Coffee & Cream

Ch 2

                The insurmountable suffocation of the weight that counted to my bones made my bones ache with embarrassment. I rub my tired and lamented eyes from lack of sleep, while staring at my alarm clock burning 9:30am into my retinas. I muster the motivation to move myself to a sitting position before hastily reaching for my eyeglasses and stretching in the most incredibly satisfying way. Hunger wracks my stomach in a way that sends me to the kitchen, following the soft subtle smell of coffee and bacon wafting in my direction. Last night's Facebook post followed by a self-esteem drop had seemed to dissipate as I was presented with a plate of deliciously addictive breakfast food to gorge on in my typical fashion.

"Thanks Pete, I really appreciate you making me breakfast"

I mumble in an absence of my full coherence. After setting my plate down on the coffee table, I begin to fix myself a cup of coffee before setting myself down on the couch with a thud. While hearing the piece of furniture groan under my weight, I blush profusely before looking up at Pete, who has placed himself in my field of vision. Pete sits himself practically on top of me, with his breakfast as well.

"No problem Patrick, I was up earlier than usual so I didn't mind. I know you're a really big breakfast person and it's your favourite meal of the day. How was your sleep?"

I clear my throat after a long sip of coffee before responding:

"It wasn't too bad. What are our plans for today?"

Pete hastily shoves a piece of bacon in his mouth before saying:

"Nothing really, we're on the road for the next week, so our tour manager just said to make sure we don't kill each other because of boredom"

With that end note I finish my breakfast then watch a few movies with Pete. We indulged in a few classic horror films to keep our creative sanity sated such as "The Shining", "The Exorcist" and "The Poltergeist" before falling asleep before we could finish the last one. Joe stumbled out of his bunk at around 5pm and woke Pete and me from our slumbers because he was a drunken kind of ravenous. We talked to our tour manager and he agreed to stop off at a nearby burger join for dinner. Joe finds Andy asleep in the bathroom with a can of light beer at his feet on the cold white tiles before waking him from his near comatose state and provoking his hopeful absence in the bathroom. Our manager gathers our attention to let us know that we will be arriving soon and to clean ourselves up a tad.

Pete and me happily oblige seeing as though we smell somewhere between a college dorm room and a dive bar at closing time. I consume the showers space first, quickly taking in the full luxury of the hot water washing the grime off of my weighty body. I am quite elated that the curtain is not clear for the added bonus of slight privacy and for the embarrassing shape of my body, the opaque shower curtain is absolutely necessary. I pour coconut scented shampoo into the palm of my hand before roughly lathering it thickly onto my scalp, using my nails to scrub the grime that had clung itself to my scalp. Body wash makes its way onto my neck, shoulders and back before I am fully realizing how soft the flesh on my stomach is. I poke into the pure pudge on the base of my midsection that usually spills out tentatively over the edge of my boxers and all of my pants .The sheen that the body wash gave to the rolls of fat that gathered on my stomach disgusted me and in return I felt just as embarrassed as I did last night reading the comments on our latest Facebook post. With the emphasized realization of my size I suck in my stomach as much as I possibly can. This backfires as I realize that sucking my stomach in simply does not do a fucking thing, my stomach is still covered in fat that hangs off of it in a desperate sort of way. I shut of the water and step gingerly out of the shower onto the cool tiles while my naked body was being consumed by the cool air that occupied the room. I become hyper sensitive of my reflection in the mirror as stare at the monstrosity that is my thighs. They mind as well be made out of cottage cheese because the entirety of my girthy thighs is covered in cellulite. Love handles settled on my sides, then transitioned into the rolls that made their home on my back. I wanted to break down in tears at how utterly disgusting I am and how oblivious I was about my body. Pete was giving me my final warning to exit the bathroom and I quickly wrapped a towel around my extremely thick midsection and grabbed my clothes before exiting to my bunk to change. Pulling my curtain to ensure my privacy, I slip into a pair of jeans and a very large hoodie.

When we finally sat down in the burger place, the strain of my stomach that pushed its way onto my lap over the button of my jeans seemed foreign and made my confidence drop even more than it already had. I no longer was particularly interested in eating because I just wanted to be alone and think of how exactly I would approach something like this. I decide that the best option is to eat healthier and to exercise daily. Because of this sudden decision I hastily make a decision on what to have for dinner.

"-and for you sir, are you ready to order?"

The slim brunet waitress with bangs and a pinstriped apron asks me in a pleasant voice. I clear my throat before saying:

"I will be fine with just water and I will have the chicken caser salad with dressing on the side"

She smiles and finishes writing down my order before gathering our menus and striding back to the kitchen to place our order. Pete sends me a curious look as he watches me squeeze the juice of a wedged lemon into my water before I begin to utilize my straw as a stir stick of sorts and listen methodically to the way the iced cubes made contact with the inside of the cool glass. Condensation from my beverage left my hand moist and I began to notice Pete's glance towards me more often than usual. My attention was focused on the soft thick roll of fat that sat on my lap in front of me. Perhaps I am just more prone to anxiety this week or I am just feeling more self-conscious because of that stupid post, regardless losing a few pounds will not hurt. Before the conversation in my head gets too carried away, everyone gathers my minimal attention.

Pete: "So how is everyone tonight after our first day officially on tour?"

Joe: "it wasn't too bad considering I slept completely through what would have been an atrocious hangover. Andy, why don't you tell them what you did to aid your hangover"

Andy blushed profusely considering Andy was all gung ho about the amount of alcohol he could tolerate, but sadly he was the one of us to have the least amount of beer and the first to fall asleep. Joe had been giving him a hard time since they both woke up late this afternoon.

Andy: "I may have been the first to pass out but at least I didn't finish my one night stand asleep on the couch with a movie like Pete and Patrick"

Patrick: "At least I was lucky enough to get a one night stand with the infallible Pete Wentz"

I dramatically act up my motions towards Pete adding in a few extra exasperated sighs as the rest of them laugh heartily. Hopefully I had contributed enough comedic relief to allow myself some space to think inside of my head for a few moments without having to meet Pete's desperately distracting gaze. I want to keep the idea of dieting on the down low for now, otherwise Joe and Pete may just make things worse without knowing. Andy would understand but then I probably wouldn't be able to get rid of him, he's a bit fanatical about muscle growth, cross fit, meal prepping and veganism life style. To put it gently, Andy was a health nut and there was nothing wrong with that except I'm not quite there yet.

Our food is classily placed before us as I watch my bandmates eyes go wide at the size of their burgers that were so big, they made a mockery of any other burger that they have seen. The size of my chicken caser salad was also a feat considering it filled a bowl that one could say resembled a shallow bucket. The salad was quite good and although I had ordered the dressing on the side, the other ingredients in the salad called for the fatty, rich and thick white dressing that coated the chicken in an almost X-rated way. Food for me has always been associated with pleasure; every mouthful was bliss, the fullness in my large stomach causing it to put more pressure on the shirt that held me together. Each of the perfectly golden brown garlic laden croutons that entered my mouth was devoured like I had never seen food before. I finish my food embarrassingly way before anyone else has even made a dent into their burgers, but sadly this was a very normal occurrence. After finishing the salad I don't know why but I can't shake the feeling of embarrassment, of guilt and all I can think about is how I should have only had half of the salad and none of the dressing. I am fat after all.