Nowhere Left For Me

+The Definition of Insanity+

One, two, three. One, two, three. Counting the cracks on my ceiling had become a tiresome task, one I had deemed worthless on what feels like a day eons ago. The switchblade in my hand felt cold and foreign despite its permanent place in my grip recently. Was I waiting for someone to come and assassinate me? Maybe. I had come undone, letting the shakes of both cold and loneliness take over. I had never felt so alien in my own being. I wasn't Izaya Orihara. No, not anymore. Izaya Orihara, the famous info broker of Japan, wasn't some crumbled heap of emotions on a futon, he was lively and indifferent and running errands for the Awakusu-Kai.

Picking up my cellphone and flipping through it's contents and contacts was futile. I didn't have anything to sell and nothing to blackmail. No one to call, not even to beg for death. Who would dare even pick up a call from Izaya Orihara in the first place? At this point, I didn't even think Shiki would pick up a call from me.

I laughed in spite of my current situation. Who knew the tables would turn so violently against me? All my humans who skitter about on the streets had abandoned me, turning away from my eternal sick love. Those who I used and those who used me had even turned their cheeks, leaving me to rot with no further use or purpose. Not even the blond monster from Ikebukuro had inquired upon my absence. There was nowhere left for me.

The human thing for me to do perhaps was to cry, or maybe even swallow down a handful of pills with a glass of whiskey. Though tempting, in the drained mental state I had found myself in, it would take more bargaining than I was willing to do for some measly opiates. Letting out a pained chuckle, I pondered. Was I really methodising my own suicide? Was I really contemplating taking my own life? A dark smirk found it's way onto my face at the insinuation. So very interesting human nature was.

I turned to glance at the clock, surprised it was only half past seven. The sun over West Shinjuku was setting, the evening light bleeding through my blinds and casting small rainbow mirages over the surface of my carpet. I yearned to be out on the streets, to be close to my beloved humans, but the shattered heart in my chest and the sickness in my brain made even the smallest tasks the most laborious.

Maybe taking my life would be best. My poisonous thoughts had begun to make more sense to me than my actual ones, leading me to glance at my scabbed wrists for what felt like the thousandth time today. Who would've thought that I could possibly be the most human of all my precious pawns.

As time ticked by slower and slower, I grew more restless and agitated. I hated being a useless heap of skin and organs. My whole being, my whole reason behind living in the first place was to be needed. My job description was based on the premise of being needed for fucks sake. Reaching a hand towards the ceiling, I let out a strangled sigh and traced the outline of my slender fingers with my eyes.

My phone buzzed giving my heart a shock. My breathing caught in my throat, causing me to sit up and cough. Glaring at my phone screen, I sighed wondering what the spectacled idiot needed now. While I was groveling in my sorrow and longing for human interaction, I didn't mean I really wanted anyone to interact with me. Didn't the universe know that I couldn't put up a front any longer?

Grabbing my phone, I decided my course of action. I would take the stairwell to the roof and plunge off the edge to my demise. A beautiful death, one that would paint the pavement a beautiful red. Not only would it make a statement and cure the illness that had taken my individuality from me, but it would be a wonderful human experiment. What would my gorgeous humans think when I went splat upon the pavement? What kind of stress would it cause Shinra if I called him back with a suicide note monologue? I could almost laugh, feeling a small shred of happiness bite at the depression drowning my brain.

Standing from my living room futon I could almost feel the ground drop from beneath my feet as the world spun around me. Depression was a cruel mistress. Not only did it encourage you to make yourself into a brain smoothie upon the pavement, but it also took away your will to eat, drink, and leave home. I couldn't remember how many hours it had been since I had risen to even go to the bathroom, but I estimated somewhere around twelve. Though no matter how much the world spun and made me want vomit, I pushed forward. This was what was best anyway.

I tried convincing myself on the slow climb to the roof that this was all because I wanted to conduct my final wonderful experiment, not only to test those around me, but to truly once and for all find out what awaits us in the afterlife, but I was doubting myself. The closer I got to the roof the more tears gathered in my eyes. I wouldn't cry, no, I'd be a cracked skull upon the concrete before I surrendered to showing weakness even to my own self. The pang in my chest that reverberated throughout my entire tired body told me this wasn't an experiment, this was a desire. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself and finally rid the world of the disgusting insect known as Izaya Orihara. As I had iterated earlier, there was nowhere left for me. I was alone in the world and truly no one would miss me. I was just a lowly flea. My life had become nothing short of the definition of insanity; try something over and over again expecting a different outcome.

Pushing open the door leading to the roof I redialed the underground doctor, deciding that this wasn't indeed a game but a true suicide. Compiling all of my mental data on suicide notes, such as the ones I had tricked numerous stupid females into conducting, I composed my own. Within two rings, Shinra had picked up, cheery voice on the other line making me nauseous.

"Izaaaaaya, I tried to get a hold of you earlier. It was rather important too. Did you send some guys after Sh-" As much as I would love (loathe) hearing Shinra drone on in his cotton candy voice about whatever bullshit I had done this time, I cut him off, eager to just get to the point, as my balance on the very edge of this roof became more and more disconcerting.

"Just shut up for thirty seconds and listen to what I have to say Shinra, for fucks sake," The waiting silence on the other line told me he was in an obedient mood this evening. Staring out at the lights that glistened in the new night, I decided I wasn't going back on this. 24 years was too long to be on this Earth, I was done. "Can you guess where I am? Probably not, you're really an idiot unless you're prescribing an opiate or working on some poor sap on your operating table," I teased, trying my best to make my last conversation worth it.

"I'm standing on the edge of my building's roof, how funny yes I know. Izaya Orihara has finally lost his mind? Ding ding! You sir win a prize!" My feigned playfulness was the best rouse I could pull on Shinra to keep him from sending Celty after me in hopes of coaxing me down, "Now before the suspense kills you, dear old friend, I'll reveal to you what I'm doing up here. I plan on jumping- yes, all the way down down down to the bottom in a big ol' SPLAT!" I let out a shrill laugh, trying the best I could to hide the tears that had threatened to coat my cheeks. Taking a deep breath I decided this would be quick and painless.

With my fake Cheshire grin gone with the wind that whipped my hair back and forth, I let Shinra finally hear how I actually felt, "Shinra, I don't feel like myself anymore. I haven't eaten in a week, I haven't done work for Shiki in nearly a month. I'm miserable," The tears that had threatened to spill were now pooling down my face as hoarse sobs choked forth from my throat, "I don't have anywhere I belong. Slitting my wrists isn't even numbing anymore Shinra, this is my last resort. I don't want to be here anymore alright? Pity me all you want but I can't handle this anymore. Don't you dare even think of sending Celty here either, just let me be," I took in a sharp breath trying to steady my words, knowing how absolutely pathetic I must've sounded.

"Just, tell Mairu and Kururi that I said goodbye, and make sure they're okay. They're impossible and inhumanely annoying, but I take credit for making them monsters and I'm sorry. Make sure you give Namie the money I am sure to owe her and let Shiki know it was a pleasure working alongside him and the Awakusu while I could. Tell Dotachin that I'll miss him, and don't forget to take care of yourself and Celty you shitty four-eyed nerd," I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve and painted that disgusting grin back on my face for old times sake.

"And do be sure to tell my dear Shizu-chan that I'll see him in hell,"

I'm not sure Shinra could take in anything I could say, but I didn't care anymore. I'd said what I had to say and that was that. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, readying myself the best I could to just disappear. Before I could fight with myself concerning this, my final decision, I released the tension from my shoulders and let the wind take me.

Falling forward I found that I'd felt the happiest I had in months.

Crack.