The next morning I woke to find my phone was on fire. A video of Rem rescuing me from the scumbag had gone viral, in 18 hours it had over 20k views. I couldn't believe it. There were memes and gifs of it in their dozens:
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I moved myself into Rem's arms and he pulled me close, kissing me gently on the top of the head. I hadn't told him about the trial yet, for some reason I didn't want to add to what had already been a stressful day. I couldn't escape the feeling that all I did was bring trouble into his life. It felt like one thing after another and he didn't deserve it. I knew I didn't either but I was used to my life being a shit show, but now I was dragging him down with me.
I needed to be on my own for a while, I rolled over Rem and jumped down from the bunk.
"Where you going?"
"Just for some fresh air"
"Wait, I'll come with you"
"No, you go back to sleep, I'm fine"
"Oh, ok"
He sounded dejected, I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and went to look for some clothes. I pulled on Emerson's Madonna shirt, some leggings and my vans and went outside.
We were driving home today but the festival still had one more day left. There were plenty of people up and about in the bus park so I headed off to find some peace and quiet.
At the edge of the bus park there was a wooded area, I carried on walking into the wood, it was very still, only the rustling of leaves in the wind and my feet crunching against dried earth and twigs could be heard. I came to a tyre swing attached to a thick branch on an oak tree, I gave it a tentative tug and deeming it strong enough, climbed in. I swung idly back and forth, the warm breeze on my face easing my tension. Out of nowhere I started to cry. I'd been holding it in ever since that call from Ted last night. Hours of therapy had done wonders to help me heal emotionally but the trial being so close had resurfaced a lot of memories and I was anxious. I was relieved to hear from Ted that I would be able to give my evidence by video link and would not be required to be in the courtroom with my attacker, this at least gave me some comfort.
I continued to swing, dragging the toe of my shoe in the dirt on the ground beneath me as I swung back and forth, creating a groove in the earth. I thought more about Rem and how I was going to deliver this news. Why was I such a burden? He had so many good things happening at the moment, I was like this darkness in his life. Too many times he'd had to deal with my anxiety, panic attacks, clean my self harm wounds and monitor what I was eating. It must be exhausting for him, draining. I don't deserve him and now I'm having his baby. I don't deserve any of this.
I moved my hands protectively to my stomach and thought about our child. In a matter of months I would be a mum. I was petrified, knowing I would be bringing another life into this world when there are so many things wrong with it. Sighing, i jumped off the swing and head back to the bus, knowing Jason would be wanting to make tracks soon.
As I neared the bus I saw Rem standing outside, looking concerned, relief broke across his face when he saw me.
"I was worried, where've you been?"
"Just for a walk down to the wood"
He folded his arms around my neck and pulled me into his chest, kissing the top of my head.
"Bus parks and you missing worry me, it scares me"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring you more stress"
"What d'you mean?"
"I just feel lately that I'm such a burden to you, there's always some drama, like last night at the show"
"That was none of your fault. Some dickhead who has zero respect for women tries to feel you up and you think that's your fault? Baby, that's crazy! HE was a DICK! That video has gone viral you know"
"I know I saw this morning"
"I've had loads of messages and emails about it"
"I spoke to Ted Reeves last night, he called me"
"What did he say?"
"The trial has been moved up to Wednesday"
"Fuck, really?"
"Yep. He says I can appear by video link, I don't have to be in the courtroom"
"Ok. Are you ok?"
"Not really. i just want this over"
"It will be over so soon and once that fucking lowlife is in jail we're going away on vacation for a couple of weeks, just the two of us"
"Really? Where?"
"I was thinking Spain or the Greek islands. It's the only time we'll have off before summer touring kicks in. I've just found out we've booked a load of European festivals including Download, then we've got the Kerrang awards and Reading and Leeds festival then back to the states for our headlining tour and then it will be time to have the baby"
"Wow when you say it like that it's no time at all"
"It really isn't. I love you Poppy Layla Kropp, more than anything in the world. I will spend my whole life trying to make you happy and keeping you safe, I promise. It hurts my heart when you're sad or think you're a burden because it couldn't be further from the truth. I worship the ground you walk on, like literally I am so in love with you I would take a bullet for you in a second"
He pulled me in closer again, holding me so tightly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him as tightly as I could. My love for this man was overwhelming at times. I loved him so much. He tiled my chin up with his fingers and gently kissed me on the mouth.
"I think we have time for a back lounge cuddle"
I smiled and pulled him into the bus, heading for the back lounge and popping Emerson's pirate hat on the handle. Do Not Disturb.
