The Sacrifices We Make

New Plans and Threats

If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.

-Mother Teresa

“Okay” I hear my raw voice croak. “I’ll hurt you, I’ll be consenting.” Finally my emotions shut down again the ice returned and the clam that comes with it finally settled back inside me. There was no longer any guilt lying heavy in my stomach reaching up to my lungs restricting my breathing. No over whelming pain. I was once again numb. I could deceive and lie once more, but this time it would be for the right reasons. . This will be my absolution, saving this man. It won’t erase all the wrong that I’ve don’t but it’s a start at trying to make it right at least. If I save him then I will be killed. They’ll find out eventually, the always do I’ll be labelled traitor and killed but that is my choice and my choice alone. Alexander is the first person I’ve ever truly cared about and I would gladly die to make sure Marcus doesn’t get to him. When I go weak, when my determination falters all I’ll have to do is think about Marcus getting to Alexander and my determination will renew itself with even more resilience than before. A single tear slides down my face, as part of the show.

“Let’s take that leap of faith because it’s exhausting and painful fighting this, I don’t want to anymore.” He doesn’t speak a word he grabs my face in his hands and a kisses me on the lips for the longest time, this touch doesn’t bring heat or fire to my lips or face the heat travels from my heart all the way to my toes, it dizzies me completely. I cannot speak; I can’t respond I just soak up all the affection and care he is giving me. I can never fully feel his love for me, that’s another sacrifice I must make for him. I cannot feel because I am numb. If I allowed myself to feel every emotion that he brings I don’t think I’d ever be able to walk away. He breaks away from me and wipes away the REAL tears I didn’t know had been falling.

“We can be happy you know, I can give you the world, and I’ll ask in return is that you stay with me and make me happy. Do we have a deal?” he whispers into my ear.

“No, we don’t.” he pulls back to look into my eyes, hurt and pain blatantly flash across his face. “I don’t want the world, I just want you.” New tears fall again, because I know deep down that is true I would gladly run away with him and never look back but he has so much here, he has worked hard to get where he is, he would never drop all that to start a new life with a new name just for me. Well he would I just wouldn’t ask him to.

How crazy it must seem, to willingly die for this man. To sentence myself to death to protect him from the men that seeks to destroy him. Not to me though, he breaks through my barriers, he is the only thing that can bring heat to my iced heart. From this moment on and until the moment I save him I will willing accept the happiness he will bring me. I would rather have just a few weeks with him rather than no time at all. I never thought I would have anything like this. I believed in love, I believed that it happened every day, in a million different ways, but never to me. I had never known a single bit of love in my life. This was my own doing. I numbed my own heart to save myself from the pain, I think that I would rather die than have to face the guilt and grief that would be unleashed if I allowed my heart to thaw.

So there it is my decision is made:

 I convince Marcus all is going well while I warn Alexander of his plans for him let him go to the police I’ll even give him evidence to back it up then Alexander walks away unharmed. I’ll die for it but Alexander won’t and that’s the whole point of it all. I’ve done absolutely awful things in my life. I have blood stained on my hands. Saving Alexander will be my final act; hopefully it will be my absolution, my way of trying to gain forgiveness. Saving one life will not erase all the lives I have had a part in taking, but it is a very small start.