The Sacrifices We Make

New Dawns and Reawakened Strength

She wipes off the dark rivers running down her un-made cheeks. She takes a deep breathe in and steadies herself. She can do this, keep going, pull through. The show must go on - Unknown.

For someone who hasn’t felt a single thing in 11 years the sun light streaming through my window was not welcome. I could feel my soul being slowly brought out of the darkness as it rose hour by hour. The pain did not cease like the sun rising it intensified higher and higher without any mercy for its victim. Grief and loss flooded through my body but the emotion that was prominent on the forefront was guilt it burnt through my newly thawed heart and lay heavy and still in the pit of my stomach its arms reached up to my lungs and constricted my breathing. I was unable to move, my brain wouldn’t connect my thoughts with action all I could do was let the tears fall and sobs break through my laboured breathing.

That was how he found just less than 48 hours after he had left. He banged on the door demanding I open up but I still couldn’t, I could hear his pleas and shouts and his begging for me to let him in but I was parasailed unable to speak. It wasn’t until my door was kicked in that I realized he couldn’t see me like this. He couldn’t know the truth if he knew the truth we would both surely die. There were eyes on me always my every move was tracked and scrutinized. The thought of them harming him brought me out of my paralyzed state had to lie convince him it’s something else. Do whatever I must to hide the truth from him, for his own sake. My tears finally stopped pouring and my sobs ceased. I focused now on regulating my breathing.

“Mona.” His voice softly spoke behind. My entire body tensed at the proximity of it. “Mona, at least look at me.” I slowly turned to face him. His expressions stayed soft and hesitant, he didn’t let my dishevelled appearance faze him. He sat down on the floor and pulled me into his lap. “Oh Mona, Mona Mona.” He murmured softly into my hair. The raw heat I thought I felt before was nothing compared to this the parts of my body that were touching his were on fire. His touch reawakened me even more. I gasped with the contact. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his eyes.

“Why didn’t you come to work, why were you in such a state? Huh?” his eyes held so much care they made me feel lost. What could I possibly tell him, I can’t tell him it’s because I want to quit, I’ll be killed. His eyes pierced mine I could swear he go see right through me. “I couldn’t face you after what I did.” My voice cracked with real pain for once.

“You were crying over me? Why? You made it very clear you weren’t interested.” My heart broke even more with the confusion and pain in his voice.

“I’m no good for you, it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, it’s that I don’t want to hurt you. We were heading g down a path I just couldn’t face.” I croak. My voice was raw and torn from all my sobbing over the past two days. These words weren’t lies but they weren’t answers he was looking for either.

“Mona, that’s the risk that has to be taken with a relationship. It’s about a leap of faith. You trust that the other person wouldn’t hurt you, you trust them with your heart and pray they don’t abuse it.” He cupped my with face with his hand, he was so soft and gentle with me my body was shocked by it, this was all very alien to me. To have someone care was unheard to me, would it so bad that I took back my sacrifice to feel that. You’re going to abuse his trust for your own personal gain I thought to myself. I will not do that to him.

“This can’t happen Alex.” Anger flash through his eyes. He grip on me tightened.

“Why not.” He grounded out clearly trying to dampen the flames of his anger.

“You don’t know me, not really. I would ruin you. Listen to my warnings because this is a two sided thing. It can’t just be me making the decisions then taking the blame when it goes wrong. I am a poison, a defect; I will destroy anything that gets too close to my heart. Don’t think you can fix me I’m not broken I’m just poison. I infect and destroy so you should steer clear of me. That is why we have to stay strictly professional. You make me feel things that are utterly alien. It doesn’t make me want to change my mind; it makes me want to run for the hills. The way you make me feel, it makes me so much more dangerous for you. So please I’m begging let go of me, get me out of your head because it will do you no good to stay with me.” I speak clear and concise in an attempt to sound strong and undoubtedly sure of myself. I don’t want to destroy this man; I care for him far too much to do that so I must run from him and his soft eyes and gentle embraces. They are the things that could finally make me feels something other than pain, but the pain he would take away would need a new home. It would leave me and go straight to him. I don’t want that for him. He doesn’t deserve that.

“Please I don’t want to hurt you Alex.” Tears spill from my eyes. “Don’t take a leap of faith with me you’ll end up with more than a broken heart.” He wipes my tears away and places his forehead on mine. I close my eyes and soak up the bittersweet bliss of this moment, of the heat that flies from every part of him to me. My heart sears with warmth not the type my guilt inflicted on my heart this was a welcome gentle kind, it was searing because it was an alien emotion to me. This feeling of being cherished, of being cared for.

“You’re right this is a two sided thing, both parties have to be consenting Mona. Completely without a single doubt I am consenting. So that means I make myself vulnerable. Vulnerable to the hurt you can cause me. But the thing is I don’t care how much this will hurt in the end. I cannot stay away from you no matter how hard I try. You are always there luring me back to you without you ever even realising it. Even now you pushed me away hurt me but here I am two days later back in this apartment because you didn’t show up to work and I got worried, I can’t help myself. You say you’ll hurt me that it’s inevitable, so go ahead hurt because no matter what you do you hurt me.”

I can’t even bear to look into his eyes, my resolve is crumbling from his touch alone never mind the words he just said. I need an escape from him a quick exit from this situation. Okay I need to go along with this, somehow warn him of what’s coming then receive my punishment for failing this mission. It’s simple I make that tiny sacrifice for him and it’ll all be okay. I’ll be fine eventually and Alexander won’t lose anything, he won’t be hurt or destroyed by my bosses he’ll walk away unharmed. I just need to pull this off. It’s time to put on the best show I ever have because this time it’s not Alexander I’m trying to fool it’s him, Marcus.