LUNATIC

Chapter 3

           

(present)

I never had a religion, since the day my mother told me I needed to be good and help people because it would please god, and I started questioning everything about it, when it got to the consequences of not being good and how afraid I should be of the wrath of god or the ways of the devil I decided it wasn't for me. I was not going to let god tell me how I should behave out of fear. It didn't mean I was unpolite or even evil to people, it taught me to be for people what they are for me, of course it took a while until I started to be nice to people that haven't done anything for me, but it came to me with time, I started to gain empathy for people that were less fortunate and after a while I realized that some people just needed me more then I needed them and that was fine. I guess that if I believed in god, he would be proud of me, as a child, learning these things I even liked to think he would be prouder of me than my mother, because she didn't have it in her to be good for people, she did it out of fear, and if there was a god made of love he would appreciate me more. Of course that was a little girl trying to compete with a mother that made strength a competition every day, repeating how strong she has been all alone with a girl to raise.

Nevertheless, at this very moment I am sitting at a round table, with a door in front of me, and I am waiting, for god.

I feel like the last few days have gone by too fast, too fast for me to process them, and for the first time I am calm enough to have time to think about what happened, I feel like the last time I had time to stop and think about something was when I was pointing a gun at some guys in masks, saving innocent lives.

(a month before)

"You can let..." but I don't give the voice time to finish the sentence, I let the weapon fall and suddenly I am looking to an empty space, I turn around as fast as I can and find a tall figure behind me. I recognize the green eyes, it's the angel from the other night, I grab his arm before he can flee.

"You're not going anywhere."

I speak with a certainty that I had never felt before, he looks at me angry at first but in the next moment he seems complacent, like not obeying me would be a worst destiny then not attending his next task. I take a deep breath trying to organize thoughts I can't really understand.

"Yes, I saw what happened." He speaks before I can ask anything.

"Can you read my mind?"

"Of course not, just seemed like a rational thing to ask if I was in your position."

"Rational is something no one has called me in years."

"You are not crazy." He says, I am still holding his arm, afraid he will disappear as soon as I let go.

"What just happened to me?"

He takes more time than necessary to answer and ends up saying "I can't tell you." I roll my eyes and squeeze his arm slightly.

"Listen here, if I am not crazy I at least deserve to know what is going on with me."

"I am not allowed to tell you."

"Why not? Who doesn't want me to know?"

"My orders come from up above."

"Great, so god doesn't want me to know... tell me, am I freak?"

"Just special." He says, with honesty, I look him in the eyes and I see a sort of wonder in his eyes, as if he is fascinated about what he is looking at. I let go of his arm, I start walking around the room, I cannot think straight, something is happening to me that I can rationalize.