Vent/Rant/diary/journal/whatever book

02.07.10 RANT

I don't like my thighs.
I don't like my stomach.
I don't like my face.

And I'm fucking allowed to say that. Just because I'm not considered fat, or someone else doesn't think I look bad, it doesn't mean I can't feel uncomfortable with my body. It doesn't mean I can't dislike it because "it's not as bad as others".

I've lost a significant amount of fat. Gained muscle. Now, in my favourite pair of jeans, I feel ugly. They make my thighs look like shapeless lumps around a stick. They make me look short.

I'm 5'8 and I love every fucking inch of it. I would even like to be a little bit taller. I already feel short because I work with and around dozens of guys and most of them are way taller.

I'm allowed to feel self-conscious. And I'm allowed to talk about it. I would appreciate it so fucking much if people didn't reply with "cmon you look skinny, look at me". I don't want to look at you. I envy most of my friends bodies. So that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want to look skinny. I want to look like I'm not just some girl who's too weak to carry shit around.

So sorry for the rant but this body positivity bullshit is driving me insane. I can't love the body I live in if it's not healthy and if I keep ruining it with all the shit I eat.
I eat because I'm stressed. I eat sugary stuff because I'm constantly dizzy. Doctors say my blood pressure is good so my immediate thought is blood sugar levels.
I don't work out as much as I should. Don't have the energy for it. So that's why I'm currently in a body I mostly hate.

This is just my big fuck you to all of the people who just reply with "you're fine compared to me".

Thanks and bye.