3rd Wheel

Finding Forgiveness

Paul:

I danced and skirted and avoided the issue of seeing my mother for about a month. Finally, Candon and Jay had enough of my sac dragging and dragged me to the hospital. I bitched and whined the whole way hoping to annoy Candon enough that he'd turn the car around and take me home. I'd rather have a punishment for being a brat than face my mother. But he ignored me and kept going.

My mind was a tornado of thoughts and emotions and I found myself thinking of ways to escape the car before we got to the hospital. I even tried the door when we stopped at a red light but it wouldn't budge. I saw Candon wink at me in the rearview. Did this bastard put the child lock on? I slapped the seat next to me and cursed.

These people I called my family were mean to me even before I came out. I was always being judged and held to a standard not expected of my older brother and sister. I was expected to be perfect. Look perfect. Act perfect. Be academically perfect. If I got less than A's, I was punished. If I spoke out of line, I was punished. If I dared wear anything deemed trashy, I'd be punished.

One day I realized that I wasn't attracted to the pretty girls with the high-pitched voices. I didn't like the heavy perfume or scant clothing. I wanted to be wrapped in the strong embrace of a man taller than me. Someone who could protect me and make me feel safe. Or the guys that liked comics and anime and liked to make others happy. I discovered there was something wrong with me. I no longer fit their perfect mold of who I should be.

But I held onto it. Maintained it until college when I fell for Jaeger. Once I told them I was in love with a man, everything I ever was or knew was washed away. I became enemy number one.

I looked up as Jay touched my hand bringing me out of my thoughts. "Babe, we're here."

I looked up at the hospital then back at my boyfriends. "Please? I-I'm not ready," I begged one more time.

Candon shook his head.  "We can't keep putting it off. We're going to be there with you every step of the way. We won't let them hurt you."

I looked at Jay and gave him the eyes. He put his sunglasses on.  Mind you, it' was February and it was cloudy outside. Sighing, I got out of the car and slammed the door just to let them know I was unhappy. Candon gave me a look. I didn't care. Fuck them for making me do this now.

Jay shoved a box of chocolates and some roses in my hand. Shit. I forgot it was Valentines. I guess they figured it was a good enough excuse for me to visit. Then he looped his arm through mine and pulled me along into the hospital. The elevator ride was too short. Soon we were on the floor and walking past the nurses' station to room 1410. I tried to turn and walk back down the hallway. I couldn't do this. A strong hand gripped mine and tugged me into a tight hug.

Candon spoke softly in my ear.  "Relax, baby. You can do this. We're right beside you."

"I'm scared."

He kissed the top of my head.  "We got you."

Jay rubbed my back.  "If they do anything, I'll kick their asses."

I laughed sofly. Jay hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek then Candon opened the door.

My breath caught in my throat. What looked like my mother was lying in the bed. She was hooked up to an IV with two bags hanging on a pole beside the bed. There was an EKG print out going, and the steady beep of the heart rate monitor. She was nearly skin and bones. Her once tanned and firm skin was pale and wrinkly. Her hair was gone and her dark perfectly arched eyebrows thin.

Jay pulled me closer to the bed. My legs felt like jelly and I felt like I was trying to swallow cotton. It was hard to believe that this was my mother.

She turned her head and her eyes caught mine.  "Paul, is that you?"

I smiled weakly. "Hello."

A smile lit up her face.  "You look so handsome."

I felt someone nudge my elbow. "Um these are for you," I said quickly holding out the flowers and candy. She smiled and pointed at a table near the wall. I hurriedly put them down then stood with my hands jammed in my pockets.

"You look good, Paul. I'm glad you came."

It was quiet for a while.

"These must be your boyfriends," she said pointing behind me.

I looked at Jay and Candon. Jay seemed surprised and slightly panicked. Candon was expressionless. I turned to her and smiled.

"This is Jaeger and this is Candon. Guys, this is my mother, Elizabeth," I said introducing them.

They said hi. She smiled.

"Thank you for taking care of my son."

I was taken aback. "W-what?"

She took a deep breath and looked at the wall in front of her bed.  "I've made mistakes in my life. Many I'm not proud of. The worst mistake I ever made was the day I began mistreating you for who you choose to love."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Jay pulled me into a chair.

Her eyebrows furrowed.  "I don't know why I did it. I was so worried about how people would view me and my family if we weren't perfect. Your father already had left and I had to make sure there were no other blights on our perfect façade. I mistreated you for no reason. You didn't deserve that. From any of us. We hurt you and because of that we lost so much precious time."  Her voice dropped to a whisper as she looked at me.  "I have no more time left but what time I do have I want to spend making it up to you."

She was apologizing. I couldn't believe it. And she wanted me in her life. That's all I ever wanted. I couldn't stop the sob that escaped out of me or the tears coursing down my face. Why does it take death for some people to change?

I felt a squeeze on both my shoulders as my mother's frail bony hand reached out to me. I looked into her murky blue eyes as I took her tiny hand in both of mine.

"I'm sorry, Paul. For everything."

I pressed our hands to my forehead as I let go of my emotions and began to ugly cry. All the anger, hate, sadness, shame, despair just washed away with my tears. My mother squeezed my hand and I felt compelled to hug her trembling body. I cried harder feeling how small and frail she was. I felt robbed. Robbed of time to spend with the mother I always wanted.

When I  pulled away I dried both our faces with tissues on her nightstand. Then I kissed her forehead.  I wouldn't waste anymore time. I'd make sure to spend as much time with her as I could.

"We will have plenty of time to talk about things. I'll come see you everyday starting tomorrow," I said softly.

She smiled. "I'd like that."

I stood to leave.  

She grabbed my hand one more time.  "Oh, Paul."

"Yes, mom?"

She pointed at my boyfriends.  "Feel free to bring them. I'd like to get to know my son-in-laws."

I smiled and turned to look at them. They were both smiling and nodded ok.

I nodded and squeezed her hand. "I'll do that."