Being Error means being scorned by the outside world. Sideways glances, clear displeasure that nothing can mask, derogatory insults, hate. Not to say I blame them, they simply don't see what is happening. They couldn't understand the things that go on up inside my mind, nor could they feel the terrorizing rage of emotions associated with even simple movements.
Being Error means being constantly monitored. "Did you take your medicine?", "what did you eat today", and you'd also hear quite often "I can't... My daughter". There's not real time to yourself unless you make it. Hiding on the couch, sitting in the kitchen floor, even sleeping in the laundry room might be common. Silence is your freedom and chains at the same time. Keeping secrets is often the only way to have something of your own. They can't leave you alone for fear of something as simple as a butter knife. You can't even be sure it's yourself.
Being Error means losing whoever you used to be. Nothing could ever bring back that normal child, the one with a future. Nothing is going to keep you safe from your own body. You're trapped watching some other force grab control and drive what used to be yours around. Something is there isn't right. Something's invaded your mind and cast you out. Nothing is certain anymore.
Being Error means to have so much to say, but no one to listen. It's screaming into a void out of anguish knowing there's nothing there. After all, who would listen to that deranged mental patient. That seems to be thought of as being insane yourself.
Being Error means to love. It's to love things you know will be gone before you. Loving the little things, like pineapple popsicles, or even feeling different textures in your room. It means to be amazed by even the slightest thing. There's nothing to take for granted. You have nothing, but you have everything possible.
It's a contradiction at every turn, but it's what I am.
It's being Error.
