Xander

Opportunity (13)

When you first left, I think that I refused to believe that you were gone. After a couple of months, I fell into a state of sadness, a sadness that would only dissipate if you came back. But you didn't come back during the summer, the time I thought I needed you most. That was when I met Kyle.

        Since you're never going to read this, I might as well speak my whole heart.

Kyle is nothing like you.

        Both of you mean so much to me- or in your case meant- but you're polar opposites. You were humorous when you wanted to be, but you were a realist at heart. You looked at the world emotionlessly and hardly let it affect you, but knew what to appreciate and when. In all honesty, you were the most serious person I could ever meet, but I don't blame you.

        From your home life- and I can imagine you saying that what I'm referring to is not your home- you became this cold, distant boy who hid his emotions from everyone his entire life. Except from me. I remember all of the times where someone would try and provoke you, or hurt you, but you never let them get to you. It was a quality I always admired.

        Then when we were alone, you would let all of your emotions resurface and you would vent, and I would just listen. You deserved it, from all the pain you endured and the abandonment you felt. Because even if I feel angry at you in this moment, I will always cherish our memories we have.

        After she passed, you were there for me or tried to be. I became just as closed off as you always were. I was distant- cold, but you never gave up. Xander Elliot doesn't stick around, everyone used to say. So then why were you so persistent those several weeks on end, when I wouldn't talk to anyone at all?

        I knew the real you. Although you would never admit what you were feeling, and would rather take a beating than actually show the pain you felt, you always showed me. And me only. That's why when I feel this overwhelming anger towards you for leaving those few months, and not contacting me at all, and saying what you said, I almost- almost- can overlook it. Because I still remember all those times you showed me you care.

        That hard exterior, the one you made for yourself after you realized that your family was never going to change, would always break when you were around me. As if I was the key that unlocked the door to your mind, your heart, your emotions. I was flattered when I realized this, but now I'm afraid.

        From this last conversation we had, I feel like you- without really saying it, you told me I could still hold the key to you. I see you with Phoebe Anderson, and I see that usual dead look in your eyes. But I've known you long enough- or knew you- and from what I remember you always had your emotions in check, just beneath the surface. And sometimes it took a lot of digging. But maybe you're willing to only give me the chance to dig up the real Xander Elliot.

        Who am I kidding? You and I will never be the same.

I keep my gaze trained out the window, deep in thought. My pen cap, which is resting on the back of my pen, is in between my teeth as I drone out Ms. Gregory's talking. All around me, my classmates are scribbling down notes or dozing off. I catch sight of Kyle across the room. He's tapping his pencil on top of his notebook obnoxiously and I roll my eyes in amusement.

       "Mr. James, will you please-" Ms. Gregory stops herself from snapping, then clears her throat. "Stop the noise before I give you a detention."