Dark Poems

Time in life

There comes a time in life where you feel alone no matter who's there for you. Do you have any idea what its like to not want to get out of bed every morning, not wanting to deal with all the bullshit outside of your bed? Do you even know what it feels like to know there are milllions of miserable people like you? How about what its like to be completely repulsed by the things you used to love? To feel completely lost in the dark and not really knowing there's a way out? To not beable to tell the difference between reality and your own mind? To not have the strength to feel you cant make it through the whole day, let alone the next one without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you're alright and ok until it gets to a point were no one asks, making you wondder if they notice or just dont care? To have no energy or drive to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have control over nothing? To know you don't belong. To feel trapped inside a world full of ugly things but being scared of what's on the other side? To be hurting constantly? To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel? To know the bully who's really hurting you is yourself. "Sometimes you need to run away to see who will follow you".  You know that feeling? When you're just waiting, waiting to get home, into your room, close your door, fall into bed, and let everything out that you've kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. Nothing is worng. But nothing is right either, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it's ok, but no one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can't fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the to fix yourself and everyone else. tired of being strong. And for once you just want it to be easy. To be simple, healed and helped. To be saved. But you're still hoping and you're still wishing. And you're staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You're fighting. I don't wanna hurt anymore, please. Finally just breaking down in tears because you can't take it anymore. No matter how much you think you know a person, you never know what they do, behind closed dooes. You never know if they cry themselves to sleep or if they cut themselves to feel. I cut to know I'm real. To get out of the world of pain. I cut to know the difference between reality and the craziness. 

The lines I wear around my wrists are proof that I exist. Some of us are struggling to get through the day without falling apart. Tired of living, scared of dying. I don't want to die, I just hate being alive. I hate remembering.... but i can't stand to forget. To live doesn't mean you're alive. Those moments when you burst out crying in your room and you realize that no one knows how unhappy you are. 

Depression is the inability to construct a future.

I'm sick of making things worse, of being hurt and crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of hating everything, of faking a smile and letting people down. I'm sick of feeling this way, I'm sick of me. Because sometimes people actually feel this way. Sometimes your life feels like its caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball, and go into a place between life and death. Saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to die". Its saying "I wish I could go somewhere and not feel". I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does. What do you do when there is literally nothing left, but yet everyone begs you to stay? You don't want to hurt anyone, but you don't want to be happy?                                                                             It's just not fair.