INT. COMMANDERS QUARTERS
Commander Ka'Lit sits at his polished L-shaped desk, facing the doorway, a large holo display to his left. James is roughly pushed into the Commander's quarters as the door slides shut not entirely unlike Jenga pieces assembling themselves back into a complete tower. The Commander looks up, slightly shocked at James.
COMMANDER KA'LIT
You... are not a Fern...
JAME (tired, exasperated, and a little taken aback by the lizard-like appearance of the Commander... lizard-like except for the ring of feathers changing colours and fluttering behind his head)
Yeah, I know, I'm a Human. Something to do with Planetary Class and Alien Acts or something.
COMMANDER KA'LIT (reviewing paperwork)
Ah, yes, bureaucracy has its place but can sometimes be... Challenging. That being said, this situation leaves me very few options. First, we need to fully process you as a species, which will take some time. Second, we need to determine where exactly you are from and what species-specific characteristics you ... Humans... may possess, which should be... interesting given your... exploits on the station. Third, and finally, we need to figure out where in the Twelve Hells to put you. I warn you, this will take several interviews. I will conduct the first, while the Science Team will conduct the remaining, including a series of tests to establish your threat level, since we can not note that you are from a Class Eight planet. Bureaucracy will not allow it.
JAME
Um, so... like... you're gonna stick things up my butt and stuff?
COMMANDER KA'LIT (shocked)
What could we possibly learn by ... that... specific exercise?! No, we are going to scan you both physically and physiologically. We will adjust the translation chip as necessary. Speaking of, have you experienced any pain, lags in translation, or sharp noises from the chip?
JAME
OH! That explains so much! I really didn't think everyone here spoke English, but it's been so crazy oh (Ka'Lit impatient) no, I mean a few words it feels like a computer is inserting or something...
KA'LIT
Yes, when a culturally-specific word isn't part of the general lexicon, or simply carries a different meaning than the actual translation, the chip will attempt to accurately replace it. Otherwise, for example, I might think you have serious obsession with fornicating with objects that disagree with you.
JAME (confused)
Um... what?
KA'LIT
Well, the number of times we've heard you say "&@#$ you" or "that" to a machine or door is... disturbing. Until the chip realized it was simply an [angry expletive], and now we feel you are both less violent and far, far, FAR less deviant... when it comes to matters of fornication, at least.
JAME
Um... Okay.. So ... no butt stuff... what's next?
YOU ARE READING
HUMANITY - (oops, sorry, pardon me)
Science Fiction~~ #150 in Space ~~ Jame(s) Johnson is the only human in the entire galaxy not living on Earth, and he's just trying to get home. Taken mid-mouthful of poutine Jame(s) is abducted by aliens, later mistaken for a fern, and eventually learns just how...
