Adjustment of Attitude

Part 10

The silence and darkness penetrate me to my core. I stand still for a long moment with no immediate way to orient myself. The sudden pressure change of the door sealing causes my ears to block and I work to equalize them. A thousand emotions run through me in a chaotic clamor. Everything in me wants to give into them. Fear, anger, confusion and hatred vie for the immediate levels of attention. Rapid breaths force against my lungs as the gag refuses to allow a deep breath to help me in the emotional torrent. I want to scream but it is impossible. Internally I beg for tears but they refuse to even appear on the edges of my eyes. The pain in the arches of my feet grab my attention and I hang on to the only physical manifestation of the emotional onslaught I can find.

Somewhere in the internal madness I can hear my logical brain demand silence but I'm surrounded by nothing but physical silence. Emotions slide in a revolving spiral from one to the next without giving me purchase on any of them. I'm in a deluge of my creation. Drowning on the unseen internal storm refusing to give in but also finding no way out. It isn't a matter of physical survival in here that would be so much easier to manage. Outwardly I look like I'm standing in the middle of a room. Only my hands are bound. I know I can easily remove everything else but that's not the point. The standing household rule states that one cannot remove anything one does not place.

Panic threatens to take me asunder. My body rocks in a slow rhythm back and forward. The unconscious motion pushes pressure against my aching arches but I do not stop. There's something soothing in the slight movement. With effort my mind hones in on it and the emotional storm abates a little. I push harder on my feet, letting the pain take the place of the emotional onslaught. Each movement brings a little order to the raging emotions. It still feels like a jumble of minor chords across my raw nerves but a slow internal organization shapes.

I do not know how long I've stood here rocking in the middle of the darkness. Time is meaningless. The physical world is meaningless. My body continues to rock. An odd calm descends and my breath slows. My feet hurt and I rise to balls to help alleviate the discomfort. The emotions dull into a continuous swirl but they no longer batter me like flying debris in a storm.

When I first built the room, I used it for meditation. A place where I could let go of the outside world and find a place of internal calm. Then it morphed into so many other things and like them, my practice was pushed to the side when I needed it most but believed other things were more important.

Thoughts replace the emotions and the cycle returns. I try to latch onto the knowledge that I am ultimately safe in this space but the negativity of my mind eats away at my waning bravado. As if to add to my discomfort, my stomach growls knowing that my lack of earlier attention meant I didn't eat much breakfast. My feet move through various ballet positions and the rocking changes accordingly. In this moment, there's only me. In the darkness, I can't hide behind a calendar full of appointments or a personal slight not meant. Here I can only face the things I allowed to sweep me aside when my attention would be better served on focusing on actual important things.

My legs shake with an effort to stand. My back hurts from the muscles pressure pointed earlier in the day. How much earlier? When did that happen? I wonder to myself. Was it hours ago or only minutes? The muscles in my legs struggle to hold me upright. Pressure builds in my ears and I try to relieve it. A hand grabs my shoulders. In pure reaction, I pull away in fear but they refuse to let me go until I still. The ear muffs lift from my ears and they remove the ear plugs. Unseen fingers pull the gag from my mouth. A river of spittle pours down my body. They unbind my hands.

"Sit." Garrett's voice feels like a scream in the silence, only the soft breath across my skin tells me it is a whisper.

His hands help guide my body to the floor. The blindfold remains firmly in place. My hands raise to pull it off, but he catches my wrists.

"It stays on. Since you refuse to see the world around and ignore things in front of you, I will not give you the ability even in its useless state in the darkness."

The ache in my jaw springs to life when I move it and words refuse to form.

"There is food available should you need it and I am sure you know how to work the water dispense."

I reach out to grab him. All I want right now is to feel his secure arms around me. To tell me it will all be ok and that I am loved; but my arms swing wide, meeting nothing but air. The pressure change in my ears tells me he's gone again.

With an effort, I take a physical inventory of my various aches and pains. Rotating my wrists to work out the kinks and soft cramps. Moving my jaw to alleviate the stiffness caused by the gag. Something in me begs to stretch my body and the movements become the submissive position kata Garrett taught me early in our relationship. I refused to let the significance penetrate any deeper than the ability for each one to alleviate the muscle strain.

Kneel up. Kneel down. Present. Humble self. Prone. Supine. Open. Roll up. Lotus. Kneel down. Lift to stand. Attention. At rest. Service- palms up. Kneel up. Repeat.

The first two rounds are all focused on stretching out the body. My form is lacking and I don't care. By the third round, I can hear Garrett's softly chiding me for my lack of posture. I am sure it is all in my head. A whisper of disapproval which pushes me harder to do it better. I chide myself for the need to hear his corrections in one breath and encouragement in the next.

Sweat beads on my face by the sixth round. My breath is labored and I finally stretch out on the tile floor in a spent state. The cool tile pull the warmth from my body. For the first time since I entered the room, I find the edge of peace. Not trusting my legs, I crawl across the floor in search of food.