The crazy misadventures of Túlio Madeira, Downstairs

The Downstairs incident, part one

I remember this as if it were yesterday, because it really was yesterday.

Me and my church gang were playing an innocent game of futebol when He Who Shall Not Be Named (Fares) unintentionally aimed the ball for the area forbidden to be said (the penis, or whatever you wanna call it), which caused me to be in a land also known as Hospitalville, population, Túlio and his mommy, Ana Gabriela. Túlio is me, by the way, the extremely white-as-hell Brazilian heartthrob who convinces everyone at church that he is just as Egyptian ad the other 200 people that go to the same church as him. Anyway, not to get sidetracked, where was I? Oh right, I'm in the damn hospital, with a broken leg caused by collapsing in pain where my mom is begging to serve me since she's got nothing to do but watch me sleep and order my food from the kitchen.

So, Fares had his turn with the ball, and we were on opposite teams, and it headed straight for there. Yes, there, you know what I mean, down there. I let out a giant scream and fell onto the concrete ground, with my right leg braking the fall, and itself. Everyone came running to me, including Fares and my cousin Juan Alberto, who goes by the nickname Juaninho. "Are you okay," Juaninho asked. I answered him not in words, but with sudden sobs, which he replied, "Get him a hospital!" Meanwhile, Fares began to comment in Arabic, until I told him through sobs, "If you're gonna say something, call 911!" Fares never listened, but still, he stayed and apologized. "On behalf of Túlio, you are now forgiven," Juaninho said in my place.

This was not okay. Suddenly, I went from being totally okay to losing my goddamn mind over what was happening in the downstairs area of my body. "Who has a phone?" Luis Pastrana asked the all-boy crowd. "Túlio does," Juaninho replied in my place. "Túlio can speak for himself," Luis told Juaninho. "No... I... can't!!!" I said to Luis as I was trying to make out words. By the way, my phone was dead, and I didn't charge it during deacon practice earlier that day.

"Congratulations, Túlio, you've dug yourself a much bigger hole," I thought to myself.

Meanwhile I was absorbed in my thoughts, I couldn't dare open my eyes to see what was going on until I heard sirens and medics talking. "What's your name," one medic asked. "Túlio Madeira," I said tiredly. Being on concrete ground for a long time can get your legs to become lazy. "What happened," the same medic asked. "How old are you," another medic asked. "I'm 13 years old and it's a long story," I replied to both medics. "Explain it," the first medic said. "So we were playing soccer, and a person [Fares] unintentionally kicked me down there, right?" I began, "And when I collapsed, I heard a snap coming from my right leg, and now it hurts like hell."

After the medics interrogated me like I was some criminal suspect, they put me on a stretcher and rolled me into the ambulance. "Don't leave," I asked. "Why," another medic inquired. "My cousin and his friend are coming," I replied. "I don't wanna be alone," I added.

The medics, all three of them, waited until Luis and Juaninho got into the ambulance, since I had a phone with no battery and the next person to call was my 47-year old mother. I looked to the right side of the stretcher I was on and saw Luis dialing my mom's number on his phone. "It's ringing," Luis said. "Hello?" my mom's voice said through the phone. "Alguém pode me ouvir?" Mom said in Portuguese. Luis put the phone away from his ear and said, "What is your mom saying?" "Give the phone to Juaninho," I told Luis.

"Ana Gabriela? É você? Sou eu, Juaninho," Juaninho began in Portuguese. "O Túlio caiu quando estávamos brincando o futebol e ele rompeu a sua perna," he continued. "Onde vai o meu filho?" Mom asked Juaninho over the phone. "Nós vamos ao hospital," Juaninho replied.

Soon after my only male cousin broke the news to my mother that we were going to the hospital, she began to pant and say, "Meu Deus" at least 10 times before Juaninho gave the phone to Luis. Luis then hung up the phone at my wailing mother, who by then was probably going to the same place as the three teenage boys in the ambulance. "Damn, boy, your mom's scared shitless," Luis commented. "That's her only son, you dumbass," Juaninho said on my behalf. Juaninho then slapped Luis as punishment for being so stupid.