construing sentences

happy

in my whole life, i can say that i've never been truly glad with how i turned out.

as a child, all i've ever known were insults and points for improvement, that i had to work on as soon as i could, for others to accept me.

as a teenager, i grew up to so-called constructive criticism, though i knew it was verbal abuse, using colorful words. they just made it seem more acceptable to others, but well, not to me.

point is, i've just been faking every positive emotion i could muster. i smile because i want to be strong, but it was never because i was strong. 

i'm weak.

i'm broken.

i can't be fixed in a flash.

but you.

did i ever tell you how jealous i was of you?

you were perfect in everyone's eyes, including mine. i can't see a fault anywhere.

you were nice. you were beautiful. you were smart. you knew the right things to say.

and look where that got us.

i found it amusing when you fumbled with my shirt; you cursed under your breath when the last button got stuck. you leaned your head against my shoulder for a few seconds, laughing to yourself.

you told me, "sorry, i'm just not used to this."

"me either," i said, in an attempt to make you feel better. i did tell you the truth, though, i had no idea on what to do next.

i wasn't sure if it was right to kiss you. i wasn't sure if it was right to take your shirt off. i wasn't sure if i was ready to see you in a different light.

it was all too frightening, at that moment, so you led me, even if you were just as oblivious as i am.

we were both so clueless; it was definitely a laughing matter.

picture two minors anxiously tugging on each other's clothing, while trying desperately to not break a fervent kiss.

that's what we looked like.

it was hard to breathe that time. i didn't want to pull away from you, but i needed to. 

you understood, though, and took the time to nuzzle your face in my neck, while i was catching my breath.

with my arms wrapped around your waist, with my chin on your shoulder, with my chest against your chest.

with your heart beating against mine.

and i'll tell you this,

for a brief moment,

in that brief moment, 

i was genuinely happy.

thank you.