Still Life

The Family

Showering in a body that isn't your own, let me tell you it's quite an experience.

It's weird because I know logically that at least for now, this body is mine and I'll have to see it at some point, but at the same time it still feels like creeping on someone else getting changed, so I just get in and out as quickly as possible.

Brushing through Hopes long red hair is actually surprising. It's thick and healthy, the light shining off it, and when I brush through it hardly any falls out. Not like my own brittle dark hair that comes out in handfuls whenever I try to run a comb through it.

From the closet I choose the baggiest jeans and sweatshirt that I can find, trying desperately to find a way to hide the ring of fat that sits stubbornly above my belt, but it's no use, so I just pull my hair back into a ponytail and accept this defeat. I don't think I've weighed more than a hundred pounds since I was ten. Since that Christmas...

"Hope?" someone knocks at the door "Can I come in?"

"Sure?" my response comes as more of a question in itself.

The door slowly opens, and in skips a fairy. Not really of course, it's the little girl that Albert showed me a picture of last night, but she really does look like a good gust of wind could blow her away. Tiny and pale with huge blue eyes, she comes to sit next to me on the bed.

"Are you alright?"

"Why?" I ask, my voice a little harsher than I had been aiming for "Don't I look alright?"

"Not really." Esther's voice is so quiet it's almost a whisper "You look sad. Did you have a bad dream?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I sigh "What did you want anyway?"

Esther holds out a pink hairbrush and headband to me.

"Will you do my hair?"

I look at her and she smiles, those blue eyes twinkling like sapphires.

"Please?"

"Sure." I sigh again, nodding "Why not."

I start brushing through her short, silky curls, but her hair is so flyaway that brushing only seems to make it wilder. In the end I just smooth it down as best I can and push the headband back to keep the hair out of Esther's face. She seems happy with my half-hearted attempt though, skipping over to my mirror to look at herself, then turning to smile at me again.

"Thank you!" she wraps her skinny little arms around my waist before looking up at me "Are you hungry? Mum says if you don't come down for breakfast now then you'll be late for school."

I nod, allowing the wisp of a human standing next to me to take my hand in hers, and lead me down to the kitchen.

It's Ed that I meet next. He brushes past me on his way towards the front door, barely even looking up from his phone as our shoulders smack into each other.

"Watch it!" I cry, without meaning even meaning to open my mouth, but Esther just rolls her eyes, continuing to pull me through the house. Clearly my response wasn't out of character for Hope.

"Ed's always like that these days." Esther gives an exaggerated sigh, clearly something she's picked up from the adults around her "Ever since he hit puberty."

In the kitchen, Mimi is standing with her back to us, washing the breakfast dishes.

"There's toast in the toaster." she says over her shoulder "Juice in the fridge. Sorry I can't stay and eat with you, but I've got to take Esther to the hospital for a check-up."

I just nod, very deliberately stopping myself from flinching away as the woman turns around to kiss my cheek.

"Come on, Esther. Shoes on." and she bustles Esther out of the room.

I sit down heavily at the kitchen table, lowering my head and resting it on my arms, thankful for the darkness that brings.

"Oh. It's one of those kinds of days, is it?"

I look up to see Rick coming into the kitchen, fastening his tie. Instantly I tense, unsure of how to act around him. He might look happy and approachable, yes, but how many times has my own father tricked me with that same demeanour, only to beat me until I'm numb if I accidently said the wrong thing.

Rick isn't like that, though. Just by looking at him, I can tell.

"Coffee?" he holds the kettle up, and I nod "I could really do with not going to work today." he sighs, spooning the instant coffee granules into mugs "I've got a meeting that I've been dreading for weeks. Hey, how about we all go out for a pizza later as a family? Having something like that to look forward to might just be enough to drag me through this afternoon."

"Sure." I mutter, although I haven't eaten anything as fattening as pizza for years so quite how that'll sit with me when it comes down to taking the first bite I'm not entirely sure.

"Jesus." Rick mutters, looking at his watch "I don't even have time to drink this. I'll see you later, yeah? I'll pick you up outside school at four and we can all go for that pizza." and he ruffles the top of my head on his way towards the door.

The silence that he leaves behind is deafening.

A picture on the mantlepiece in the living room suddenly catches my attention, and I get to my feet and go over to it. It's of the family – the real family, all happy together, all laughing, Hope right in the centre, beaming from ear to ear.

"I don't belong here." I murmur "I don't fit in here. I'm an imposter, a changeling."

I become aware of another person's heat behind me, and without even turning around I know that it's Albert.

"Why me?" I whisper "There must have been so many other people to chose from to complete these tasks. Why me?"

"Because you needed to be reminded how precious life is." Albert says simply "And how lucky you are to be young and healthy."

I say nothing. I can't. If I do, I'll break down, I know that for a fact.

Albert understands.

"I'll walk you to school." he says softly "Just maybe be careful about talking to me since no one else can see me. People might start to think that you're crazy!"

"I don't think they'd be far off." I manage a weak smile, and Albert nods at me.

"Atta girl. Head up, smile on. I'll stay with you until you give me the nod to leave."

"Thank you." I wipe my eyes on my sleeve, taking the satchel and jacket that are obviously Hopes from the hallway and shrugging them both on "How do I look? Actually, don't answer that one."

"Come on." Albert pulls the door open for me "Let's go and see what this beautiful world has to offer up to us both today..."