The Dauntless

Can you be my drug?

AN:Here's a picture of Svetlana's brother,Alexandar played by Jakub Gierszal.Enjoy reading,xoxo,Mel.

As I stood tall and confident in my bathroom in front of my mirror with a special new makeup discovery called 'eyeliner'..just kidding,as I was putting on my eyeliner like it was a 'special discovery' I messed up a little and cursed.I got a tissue to wipe it that was comfortably nestled in my sweaty palm.The house was quiet,something I got used to long time ago,something I'm lying about being comfortable with to my friends,something that hurts me so deep and so raw,that it's almost impossible to stand the consequences which of course manifested onto my mental health.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.I know my father doesn't so why should I?

I'm not a scared daddy's girl which is afraid of dark and storms.My apartment is spotless,I don't know how to cook but I probably will learn,I do not great,but hey,good is acceptable, and I could probably get a job in Starbucks or something.

As my thoughts ran a marathon in my head,I looked at myself in a mirror above the sink and my perfectly winged liner at last.I was my mother's spitting image.My pale blonde almond hair fell with perfect waves and felt light at touch.She used to love to stroke my hair..It was one of the best experiences in my life.The relaxation..the love I would feel with every touch and gentle swipe of her fingers on my hair as it were strings of a guitar.I smiled at the memory.Pale blue eyes met me in the mirror showing redness and swelling.I cried last night.

I cry every night.

Why? Because I don't wanna live like this.I don't want my physical and mental strength to feed off my memories.I don't wanna live off memories.

Red lips licked themselves as they trembled,and whispered,''Don't be weak,you can do this.''

Don't give yourself tough love.That's what Alex would say to me.Thinking of him,always made me smile.I love him.Not like I love my father or myself or Lana.I love him like dog loves to put his head out of the window in the car,I love him like a bird loves its' nest.Alex always felt like home to me..like this house doesn't anymore.

I rushed down the stairs and took my phone off the table,put on my cream colored leather jacket on and went into dad's bathroom to see any signs of him being here last night and to look at myself in a big mirror.As I opened the door to the bathroom,it looked intact.I turned around to my left and as I moved my eyes caught a glimpse of something.

Bottles of medicine scattered all over the washing machine.I read the names as my hands flew to hold onto the bottles.Oxycodone.Painkiller?I don't know shit about this.

I opened it and took a peek inside it was half full.Other bottles had a different name but I only picked two.I knew about amphetamine when I read it tho.

I'm not gonna cry,he probably has a reason for doing this..taking this,trying to take his life away from me,take everything I have left.

I took out three pills of oxycodone on my palm.They felt strange,unknown,almost as if out of reach but exactly where I put them in my palm.This is control.This is my choice.Either he gets away with it easy and I suffer or we both have some fucking relief.

I got goosebumps on my skin,the thrill of doing something new,the thrill of knowing and being angel and devil both at the same time.I never did drugs,I never took any pills except for the mild ones for flue or something.

I rushed to put three pills in my mouth as I backed down to drink some water from the tap.I did and they bumpily slipped down my throat.

I picked myself up again and looked at myself in the mirrors,I do that a lot,I'm afraid if I don't I'll lose what's in the mirror,myself.I feel like I'm chasing myself through my head.