The Dauntless

Fire of your veins

Tonight was one of the most god awful nights in my entire fucking life..and trust me,I've seen a lot of them.After I came back home with Gin,after the fight with Alex,after he left me on the floor crying for him and for every little peace of me that he took as he walked through the door,I wanted to scream.

Never in my life have I wanted to scream so bad.The painful look that his eyes held as they observed every inch of my face in their drunken state pained me more than any of my fathers' hits ever could.

I couldn't believe how much I failed him,but I also couldn't stand the fact that he had been torturing himself for three days and I have been out there,somewhere almost dying from overdose.He cared.My dad didn't,no one did...no one but Alex.

I lay in bed,softly weeping,trying to hold the the screams that are crawling from my lungs through my throat.It's a strange feeling..almost like like a scratch and it's there,but your hands are tied and there's nothing you can do about it to ease the pain.

I got tired of trying,tired of being me.Sometimes I just wanted to lay in bed and eat and sleep.The pillow got hot from the steaming hot tears that poured out of my eyes but no,I still didn't stop.I couldn't stop shaking.Shaking because it took me so much strength,strength that I never knew,never had,never owned to try and not crumble like breadcrumbs all over the place,or shatter like glass,to not let my soul scream and leave it on this pillow.

As time passed by,I hadn't moved an inch.It was that shitty fucking scratch at the back of my throat..The fear of something out of the ordinary happening.The fear of anyone realising how broken and how nonexistent I really am.

My body is always present but where is my mind?

Did it walk out the door alongside my father?

Did it seep into this pillow and disappear forever alongside my dreams?

I moved.I don't know how,I don't know why but I got up,put my fingers through my hair and slowly picked myself up while sniffling and wiping the steaming hot tears off my face.

I walked like a crippled person holding onto the edges of the door and the staircase while going down to the kitchen.

I heard the voices coming off the tv still wiping the tears of my face and my chin with my hands.I walked over towards the coffee table in the living room,grabbed a remote control and turned the volume down.My eyes darted towards the couch.Gin's face was leaning onto the little pillow his chest almost as broad as the couch,if not larger.

The light that tv threw onto his face created some marvelous shades and I couldn't help but stare..

Stare at his bone structure,his jawline,voluminous hair,eyebrows,his flawless skin and that little mole in the hollow of his neck.A strange thought crossed my mind.I wanted to kiss it,feel it beneath my lips..the way that little hollow space in his skin fit my lips,it was meant to be kissed..meant to be filled.My head was baffled by the feeling of safety seeping through my skin inside my head,the blissfulness while watching his face.Someone was there..

I wasn't alone.He stayed and I sat on the couch right next to his waist not taking my eyes off of his face.Eyelids shut,chest moving up and down,him laying down..

He looked like this giant godlike Greek sculpture,stone made,shadows falling onto him,kissing his skin,touching him.My fingers itched to touch the veins on his arms,to trace the ink that belonged on his skin.I was jealous of the ink..jealous of the veins,they were always with him,always right there,and I knew I never could be.I moved to grab the cigarettes of the table and go into the kitchen to light one,ease my mind but his arms moved and so did his body,readjusting and as he did that,his eyes slowly opened.

Before my brain had the time to react to my body moving,my fingers were already on his face,touching his jawline,his chin,enjoying the warmth of his skin.

His face moved towards my hand closing his eyes once again letting his skin almost sink deeper into my touch.A small innocent smile spread across the right side of his lips.

''Were you watching me?'' his soft sleepy but somehow raspy voice whispered in the dark melting my insides and clouding my mind.He opened his eyes to look at me,look at my face and with his hand try to rub the sleep out of his eyes.I smiled thinking about my fingers not leaving his skin,it seemed as if I had no command over them anymore.

''No,I was just gonna get some smokes.'' I told him whispering as well,not wanting to disturb the silence around us.

''Liar.'' Small smile spread itself across his face as he watched me take out one cigarette out of the white Davidoff box on the table.I felt his fingers touch the bare skin of my waist,the shirt probably lifted up as I sat.The place where he touched me almost felt like it was on fire and I turned my head to look at him.

The smirk was there and so was a little bit of devils magic in that look..It made me forget to take the lighter and before I knew a small flicker of flame appeared in front of me.I looked into his eyes and inhaled the smoke that filled my lungs as he shut the lighter and put it back on the table.I crossed my legs feeling the dampness already there and turned my head away feeling his eyes on me,making me nervous,wearing out my psyche.

Will and Grace was on tv.I remembered the show..one of my favorites,I always wanted that copper hair that Grace had but never had the balls to do it.

I tried to focus on the tv and forget the fire that lingered on my skin and the places he touched but his hand continued roaming on my waist.

I tried not to close my eyes intoxicated by his touch,by the smell of mens' mint cologne and tobacco.

He picked himself up,each leg by each side around me,moving his nose across my jawline getting closer to my ear,each breath he took turned me on,made my lungs stone like.

''Stay here for a little bit.'' he breathed as I turned my face towards him,nose touching,lips close,eye to eye,I shut off my cigarette into the ashtray not looking at it and my fingers hurried to run through his hair,stroke it.I got closer to him,closed my eyes,remembering his touch,his smell,burrying it deep in my memories,I never wanted to let go.

He put his lips on mine and something burst inside of my chest,I weeped and got onto his lap like the animal that I was.He drew his head back his throat exposed to me like and opened wound,his face scrunched like he was in pain but I knew it was the best feeling in the world to provide someone with the electricity that we had,to give him that high,to let him get addicted.

I was the drug and he was the addict,we both needed each other to be..to exist..to never fail.I moaned loudly as his strong muscular arms wrapped themselves around my legs and then traveled to my hair stroking it,loving it,passing through it..

I finally did the thing I wanted to do the most,I sank my teeth into his Adams' apple,tasting the flesh and moved slowly kissing the hollows next to his collar bones,lovingly pecking the little mole as he groaned.I pushed his chest for him to lay down on the couch and lowered myself down roaming the ink on his giant chest.

I never wanted it to end.