Letters for Love

02. Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

At first, we weren't even friends; in fact I didn't notice your presence at all. We were just two individuals, coincidentally put in the same place, at the same time, tripping on a string of fate that wasn't meant to lead us here -- to each other.

You were undeniably handsome. With your kind brown eyes and swept up hair that was as dark as the night sky, showing off a beautiful boyish smile that would appear when I least expected.

It was to no surprise when I saw girls fawning over your every move, it was a little creepy to me but I let you do all of the complaining.

The beginning of our friendship was rough. Our personalities, like water and oil, could not mix and where I was shy and reserved, you were flamboyant and emotional. We would constantly fight and bicker about meaningless things. It felt impossible for you and I to become anything more then strangers. Luckily, we were put together by an unlikely force.

Our parents were close to one another so I saw you more often then I would have liked. I began to know you more and soon we would be venturing late night trips in your car, while ranting about the worries of life.

As you eased up to me and slowly let down your walls, I saw glimpses of the real you. Not the person that you put on when your parents were around. The guy who didn't smoke or drink and had seemingly everything put together. Not the person that you showed to our friends. The guy who was super "cool" and did bad things rebelling in the shadows when his parents turned their backs. No, to me, you were a kid who was lost.

Lost in who you wanted to be, the expectations of what others thought you should be, and who you really are.

Sometimes you would try and put up a front with me, but I could see right through it. I never told you, but I knew that it wasn't you. I wish you could've been more honest with me, more open to the idea of me caring about you, and more willing to not build up walls on me; just more.

But I stayed content in talking with you about surface level matters. Our conversations mostly consisted with being tired, sarcasm, and what food we were craving. Simple matters that at the time seemed so trivial, but they seem to matter so much more now looking back.

Being in high school, changes were inevitable. We were friends but we didn't talk very much. Slowly we began to drift apart. It wasn't until we started going on numerous ski trips and vacations that you became a daily regular in my life.

I don't know when it happened. I mean does anyone really? Is there a single moment in time when you just look at someone and automatically know? Because for me it wasn't like that at all. All I know is that one day I was looking at you and I saw you differently. I realized slowly after that, that I became one of those girls that we always made fun of. Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I don't even understand what I'm saying.

And now I'm rambling.

What I'm trying to say is that somewhere along the way of our water fights on the beach (which by the way you've never let me win, thanks) and morning coffee runs; I think I began to like you.

Why haven't I ever told you? Why after all of these years I haven't once said anything. Well the simple truth is:

I was afraid.

I was afraid of unreciprocated feelings, our relationship never being the same, and most of all I was afraid of you actually liking me back.

Because even though I liked you, I knew that a relationship like ours would never last. It felt like there was this invisible line between us, one made with silence. A line that was unseen but its presence was stronger then anything that of what the bare eye can see.

The pull to the other side of that line was magnetic. I was drawn to you, to the other side, to the hope of us together, hand in hand. But the force pulling me back was louder, and it dragged me further away, every single time.

That line was one shaped in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that if I took a leap of faith to cross the other side, I wouldn't make it. Because if I failed to land, all I would be left with is hurt.

That's why I never told you. Because I was so scared of damaging the glass of our friendship. So instead of possibly fracturing something that was so precious to me, I chose to stay put.

What I didn't expect was you already knowing. Then again you were always very smart so I guess I should have seen it coming. When you asked me about it, I completely blanked. My hands clamped up and I knew I was backed into a corner. Heart beating and mind racing I revealed to you the secret that I had kept locked up inside me for so long.

I had replayed the situation in my head over and over, trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. But even then, nothing could stop the heart crushing feeling as you told me that you didn't feel the same way. My fears and I came face to face and they were laughing at me, scrutinizing my tears. In that moment I felt the sad irony of it all, because even though I didn't take the leap, I still fell.

Even the couple sitting next to us was mocking me. In the way that their eyes smiled, hands intertwined, and when I saw your face it wasn't the same mirrored expression the guy next to us was giving the girl, it was one of pity.

After that you tried your hardest to avoid me. Our friends were constantly texting me wondering why I wasn't leaving my room, and why there was no trace of you after that day.

I heard that you had planned to leave for early college admission all along. You were preparing on telling all of our friends the week after my revaluation had taken place, but felt like it was too late, so you left.

No letter, no texts, no calls, no contact at all.

And that hurt. Because the utter annoyance of it all is that I still loved you. Even after you had played with my heart. Even after you rejected me in the cafe. Even after you ignored me for weeks.

Even after you left.

I still loved you.

It's been almost a year and I still do, I guess some part of me always will.

I don't think I could ever resent you. It wasn't your fault that you didn't reciprocate my feelings, and it wasn't your fault that I didn't know how to handle that. It was me, insecure and fragile me who was also lost, trying to find my way.

I can confidently say ten months later that I have. I have found my way. Because of you I was able to push my feelings into my studies, and am graduating this fall to be a student at Johns Hopkins. You were never a forever. To me, you were and are a stepping stone of experience that taught me a valuable life lesson that I can joyously share with you now, where ever you are.

Life is too short to be waiting around for the what ifs. What if you had stayed. What if you had liked me back. What if. Really I wouldn't have changed a thing, you led me here to where I am and I'm happy. Truly happy and I hope you can be too.

I want to thank you. Because before you were my first love, before you left, we were best friends and best friends tell each other secrets and that was mine.

With Love,
Anonymous