Detached, Destroyed, Dehumanized (Depersonalization/ Derealization)

Lost

  Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up and everything feels normal, even if it's not? You look around and it's your room. It's your posters, your decorations. But you can't move and things get weird. Then something scares you awake.. A creepy shadow, a bloody clown, or maybe just your anxiety in itself is enough 

   Now imagine that backwards.

   You wake up into real life, but it feels like you're in a dream. Nothing feels right, even if it is. You look around and despite it being your room, it's unfamiliar. Your posters are meaningless, your decorations are out of place. You can move, you can speak, but nothing happens. Nothing scares you awake. There's no shadow, no clown.. Just overwhelming anxiety.

   Personally, I have gone through this several times throughout the year. It effects my daily life when it happens. Sometimes, it only lasts for a few minutes, but more often than not, it lasts more than a week. 

  I can't focus. Not on my conversations, not on the TV, not on my music, not on anything. My grades drop. I start to isolate myself more. I lose interest in what I love. In other words, I get thrown into depression. I get injected with anxiety. And drowned in shame. Then that's when it all goes down..

   When I look down at my hands, at my legs, at my feet, they look like pictures of body parts that move on their own. They're separated from my being. They're just there, doing what they're supposed to do. Nothing unique. Nothing special.

Looking in the mirror is worse. My eyes are too big, too far apart, or too close together. I don't recognize her, but who else would it be? No one else is infront of the mirror. It's like staring in to an alternate universe you don't recognize. I'll touch the mirror, but it's solid. It's me, right? Please tell me it's me.

   Everything I look at is incredibly clear. I can see every detail, every stitch, every crack, every crevice. It almost seems unnatural. The world seems so much brighter, but I can't enjoy it. It's not real. It's just as dark; my senses have just been heightened. The clicking sound of my metronome makes me want to smash it in to a wall. TICK tock tock tock. TICK tock tock tock. TICK tock tock tock. SHUT UP! TICK tock tock tock. SHUT UP! My spine is tense and irritated, like if I'm constantly annoyed at everything even if I'm not. I'm overloaded with sensations. 

   Rooms with white lights, too much sunlight, long hallways, and places I haven't been to intensify the feelings. The things I look at don't seem real. It's all hazy, like when I dream in my sleep. At school when I walk down empty hallways, they seems so endless. I keep taking steps, but my perception is flawed and the end doesn't get closer. It keeps going and going until I get to the classroom. 

   My speech, my actions, and my feelings are out of my control. I do things as a force of habit like I'm on auto pilot. Like my mind is acting out a movie, but I'm not aware of it. I've said things, just to hear the words echo around in someone else's voice and not even know why I said it. I've spontaneously done things, and repeated it in my head, questioning why I did it only seconds after. My feelings.. They're programmed. I feel happy with family, sad when I'm alone, and anxious around strangers like always. The guy I like, feel nothing for him, but I do, because it's what I should feel. It's been so long, nothing else seems right. I like him because I don't know how else to feel about him, not because he actually makes me happy or spends time with me, because he doesn't... Not anymore.

   My memories are all distorted. What happened? What didn't happen? I can't think! I can't remember anything...What day is it? How long ago did that happen? Who am I? It's all gone I've lost all sense if my identity. My friends faces are blurred out. Their voices are changed. Who's to say I actually know them? Did I make him up? Did I really know her? Is he even real? Is she my friend? I'll ask myself over and over until I can distract myself.

   My head aches, but it's not pain. It's just stuffy, like someone shoved cottonballs in to it, and tight, like if there's a bandage wrapped around it. I'm tired, it's late, and I should get sleep, but I'm afraid to sleep. I dream.. Sometimes those dreams are too realistic and that makes it so much harder to tell apart reality from dreams.

   I'm losing my mind. I'm going absolutely insane. They ask what's wrong, but what am I supposed to tell them? Who's going to understand? I don't want to sound crazy. I don't understand it and I'm the one that faces it, so how the in the world would they?

Please don't say my name...

It's not mine...

It holds no meaning..

And neither do I...

I'm lost in a world where nothing is real...