Detached, Destroyed, Dehumanized (Depersonalization/ Derealization)

When it comes back

  Funny how every time I get out of an episode, I forget how bad it is. I say "I don't actually need to go to a therapist," " I'll be okay, it's nothing," "I don't know  why I got so worked up."

  Sometimes, I'll watch videos on Youtube of people talking about it, and I'll think that I don't have it as bad. That it's not that scary.

  But of course, it does come back, and it takes over just like before. It's almost like a reminder. "YOU AREN'T BETTER AND YOU ARE NOT FREE! Remember everything you felt and everything you didnt feel."

  It sunk in, spread through my head, giving me head aches laggy and distorted vision. That's how it starts and once again my limbs aren't mine.

  This time around, it happened to start on picture day.

  I woke up feeling sick to the stomach thanks to my monthly visit from Satan. Just having to be awake irritated me. My blood boiled in my veins, but I wasn't angry. I felt off and uncomfortable in my body.

 Take some  some erratic hormones, then add the chemical imbalances in the brain, and the lack of sleep. Now enjoy your new but, definitely not improved, disassociated teenager! She'll be absolutely miserable!

 I got to school and instead of going to the usual spot I sit in, I walked around the school. Roamed the halls, went up and down stairs, drank out of every water fountain I walked passed. I wanted to avoid the people I knew. There was only 3 people I would have been okay with being around. To keep their identities, and my identity concealed, their names will be Nick, Sam, and Jane. 

Nick, I've known him since I was a freshman. Sweetest guy you'll ever meet. He gives great hugs and advice, and knows how to get serious when someone is sad, rather than making everything in to jokes. 

Sam, I've known him since right before my freshman year, but we never got close until I was a sophomore. He's kind and caring, but can be a little harsh in the way he texts when you're upset. Nothing mean and abusive, just not very empathetic.

Jane and I have known each other for seven years, making her my best friend. She knows most things about me, and is easy to talk to. This girl can just about anyone smile at their worst by making jokes and just over all being a kind soul.

These guys are my favorite people, but none of them happened to be around. Nick was god knows where, Jane was paying a parking ticket, and Sam wasn't even at school.

I ran in to Nick's sister and I tried talking to her and her friend, but it was quite clear I wasn't wanted there. They faced eachother, without pointing their feet out to make a triangle. They didn't respond to anything I said, so I stayed quiet. It build up my tension, so I eventually left and found somewhere to sit.

Crying wasn't an option; I had make up that could potentially run with my tears and my picture was yet to be taken.

Eventually Sam, found me between first and second period to walk me to my class and give me an awkward side hug. 

After this, I don't remember much besides putting a teddy bear in a microwave in the theater room (it's a microwaveable heating pad that helps with my anxiety) and having everyone think I was a psychopath for cooking a stuffed bear. 

In music theory, I took a test. Band, being right outside, overloaded my senses by playing different songs in different keys. Loudly and poorly. (Careless Whisper was somewhere in the mix)

It overwhelmed me, but I couldn't just drown it out with something else during the test, so I had to suck it up, but when I finished, I pulled out my head phones and turned the volume up, so it would only be one song, instead of 7.

In theatre class, I texted Nick to ask how in the world he could take tests in that environment. He said it didn't bother him, to just ignore it. I jokingly said that the sensory overload made me want to punch someone.

Somehow I turned the conversation to me overthinking what I said to him and me apologizing for being annoying. 

He kept saying I was okay. "You don't annoy." "you're cool with me."

Talking to him elevated my mood enough to not break down. I went to guitar lessons being hyper and goofy, even if it did feel like it wasn't me. I played on a seven string, which I've always protested on doing. I was more confident in what I played, when I'm usually shy of it. It was a cocaine rush, without the cocaine.

 The day ended. My rush ended. And so it started over the next day. Not being able to focus, being exhausted, being depressed and overwhelmed.

I got ready for homecoming, not wanting to look in the mirror. I went to the dance having moments of derealization when I would step in to bright lights. 

  The next Monday, in English I zoned out everytime my teacher asked me what he had just said. In theatre I had to sit by myself behind the curtains because I couldn't stand the amount of people and voices. In AP biology, so much noise built up I had to plug my ears because it was spiking my anxiety.

In the car with my mom, I felt so tired, everything she said irked me for no reason. 

All of it, feeling like I'm not the one living it out. Some stranger took over my life for me, but forced me to watch. 

Now, everything I just said could be totally off, because my memory has deterioated with this episode. It took a lot of concentration and focus to remember what happened this week. I had mini episodes a few days before, but they were less intense. I had rushes and crashes, and my hands occasionally felt like movies being played in front of me.

I will apologize if my writing is confusing and sounds like gibberish and endless rambling, but it's the best my mind and put out. If I wait to tell the story when it passes, I will forget a lot of the emotions and sensations, so it won't really be accurate.