Brandon. Yes, THAT Brandon.

Kiss Me, I'm British

"I know absolutely nothing about snakes," my dad says once we go into the small store.

"Good thing I do," I reply. I try to conceal my excitement as we walk by all the caged reptiles. A ball python catches my eye, and I have to inhibit myself from yelling something along the lines of: "daddy I want that one!" ...Seriously. We walk up to what I'm assuming is the store owner. "Hello," I say plainly. She looks up at us with a smile. At least she's kinda hot.

"Hi, my name is Justice. I'm guessing you need a friend? All the snakes are friendly, obviously. What are you looking for?" she asks with a big grin. She's maybe in her early twenties. Her family probably owns the store.

"A ball python," I say a little too urgently than I intended. Dad simply nods in agreement. I chuckle; he has no idea what a ball python is in comparison to a garter snake.

"Popular for sure," she smiles. "You look like you can handle it." She winks at me. I roll my eyes.

"Yeah. It's kind of short notice, but why not?" my dad shrugs. He can talk to outside people? Woaahhhh.

"Ahh, I see. College pet?" she asks with a chuckle. Dad and I look at eachother, confused. "I mean, you and your brother..." Justice trails off. She shades to a bright crimson. Then I realize what she means. Oh my god.

"This is my father," I put forth. Justice goes wide-eyed and gulps noticeably.

"O-of course!" she squeaks. "You and your father. I, um... I'll be right back with details for um... I'll be with you in a second." Justice scurries off to a back room. Ugh, this is not okay. My dad is thirty-seven. Either I look five years older than I am, or he looks fifteen years younger than he is, both of which are wrong.

"Well," Dad says once. He looks oddly smug.

"Don't even," I mutter. Justice comes back with a thin packet of paperwork. I don't pay attention as she explains some bologna to my dad. Not my business.

"Brandon, how big is your room?" he asks.

"I don't know, big? Big enough," I shrug. "Trust me." I hit Justice with a smirk and eyebrow raise just to see her reaction. She blushes, as I thought she would. So, maybe I'm an arrogant asshole, but I just love doing shit like that.

So now I'm riding home with a snake in the back of my car. He hasn't done anything exciting, but I don't expect him to. All that matters is I have a pet snake.

"What's his name?" my dad asks after we've been on the road for a while. Satan, I think to myself. Well, I can't tell him that. He already thinks I have issues. "Or is it too uncool to name your pets nowadays."

"Roger," I say aloud. I suppose I could've chuckled at my dad's little joke, but we aren't there yet. My dad raises an eyebrow but says nothing. "What? Is it too uncool to name your pets Roger nowadays?" I ask in as much of a joking tone as my voice will allow.

"No, I just..." my dad trails off. He shakes his head. "I um, I had a toad named Roger when I was little," he shrugs. "Very coincidental I guess." My mouth keeps shut. This is too sentimental for my taste. This is not going to be a 'my dad and I only hate each other because we're so alike' thing. No way.

Carrying Satan-Roger's cage is not as difficult as I anticipated. Until we get to the stairs I mean. My dad has to help me haul it up the steep stairs. The snake just glares at me from his comfortable heap when I set him on my empty desk.

"So, I guess you'll have to find a different spot for homework," Dad says.

"I just do it on the floor anyway," I reply. We awkwardly stand there for a second. Do other kids have this problem with their parents, too? I figure I should start a conversation. Lawyer talk or weather talk, maybe. What do dads like to talk about? "That girl was funny, huh? Thinking we were brothers." Of course I'd pick the most awkward event to talk about. Go me.