Angel of Light (A Zak Bagans Story)

Chapter 126: Awkward...

Chapter 126: Awkward...

Once Zak and I sat on the bench, we ended up sitting in an uncomfortable, awkward silence again. This had been the closest to him I had been in a week, and my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest.

I suddenly found myself extremely frightened.

What if Zak had decided to end our relationship himself? Maybe he had come to the same conclusion that I had been thinking about for a week – that he could find another woman who could fulfill all his needs now, instead of waiting.

Surely he wouldn't break up with me right before a lockdown...right?

Although with the way I had been basically ignoring him the past week, I couldn't exactly blame him if he did break up with me. This sudden feeling of fear made me realize that I really didn't want our relationship to end, but I still couldn't help but feel like I was being selfish.

Just when I thought I would scream from the silence, my thoughts, and the fear, Zak finally spoke.

"I um...I know you said you needed space," Zak began, and then turned his head to look at me. "I've been doing my best to respect that...but, I just needed to see you..." Zak added.

"You have been respectful, I appreciate it, Zak..." I said softly. "It's been difficult for me too..." I added, not wanting him to think that I had been having an easy week being away from him.

Zak smiled a bit and then looked serious again.

"I just wanted to apologize again, in person," Zak said softly. "I'm really, really sorry. I never meant what I said, and if there was some way to turn back time and take it back, I would in a heartbeat," Zak added.

I could feel a part of me wanting to throw my arms around him and just "kiss and make up", but I knew it couldn't be that easy.

"I know...I'm not hurt anymore, at least, not as much as I was..." I replied softly.

Zak frowned.

"I never meant-" Zak started, but I cut him off.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me," I replied. "I know you're probably wondering why I need the space..." I added.

Zak simply nodded in response.

I took a deep breath before I spoke.

"I'm confused about what to think...I know deep down you didn't mean to hurt me, and you've said you didn't mean what you said...but I can't help but wonder..." I trailed off, wondering if maybe this was a bad time to be talking about this.

"Wonder what...?" Zak asked softly.

"...if...maybe a small part of you did mean it...because maybe it was a thought that was on your mind...whether you realized it or not..." I replied quietly.

Zak closed his eyes, pulled one hand out of his jacket pocket, and rubbed his forehead a bit. He didn't look mad, he looked upset.

"I really...don't want to believe that I had that thought cross my mind...but I understand why you'd think that," Zak replied quietly, then looked at me again. "If it was some kind of subconscious thought, it's not how I really feel, it's just...sexual frustration..." Zak added.

I felt my face flush at his last two words, but did my best to compose myself.

"I want to believe you...but I can't help thinking..." I started, but then stopped, hearing my voice crack.

Zak frowned.

"Tell me..." Zak replied softly.

It took me a few seconds before I could gather my courage to speak the words.