Still

Chapter 4

To say deep seeded when describing the problems of my relationship with my father would be an understatement. Growing up he was there but only occasionally and I could always sense that his love for me was never comparable to that of my mother's. She was the one who took care of Willow and I, who would spend her time with us, who would take us on adventures. However, the most my father would ever do is make us dinner when Mom was going through a spell. I suppose he never developed a strong relationship with us because he was constantly working to support the family but after Mom left, he should've tried to keep this broken family together. He is the adult, my sister and I were only fourteen years old, we should never have had to grow up in that very instant when we realized we were now on our own. Now when he works, which is not often, he won't come home when his work day is complete, he spends every dollar he earns on cheap whiskey. I haven't talked to him for three years now, he doesn't deserve my attention. The most he will ever do for my sister and I now is toss a twenty-dollar bill on the table which doesn't even buy us enough nourishment to last us the week. Willow's anguish towards him is definitely not as harsh as mine, she always tries with people in order to see the good in them, or in the case of my father, she's forever trying to find whatever piece of the real him is left in his drunken corpse. In my opinion, there is nothing left of him, he is a walking fuck up who's only desire in life is to drink copious amounts of alcohol. Maybe this is why Willow and I can never see eye to eye anymore or maybe it's because I pushed her away to an extent of no return.

Suddenly I hear the sobs from a man when I reach the part of the bridge where my mother's body hung. There is a hill on its edge where you can walk down to the river's bank and as I make my way down, I see him. I didn't know he had any heart left in him, I'm surprised.

My father lays directly under where I last saw my mom on the frosted grass near to the water. He has a bouquet of cheap flowers in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

"I love you Bailey." He says repeatedly in between sobs. Mom's name was Bailey Ellen Harley. I often wish she would've given my sister and I her surname instead being named after my father. Ember and Willow Kinney. He disgusts me and I don't even want to share a name with him.

I feel an urge to go over to him and push him into the water but I decide against that rash thought and head back to my car. I think I should probably be happy that he has some heart left in him but I'm not. I'm pissed. He is telling my mom he loves her but he hasn't told me that in three years. Just because she's gone doesn't mean we are. His children still roam this earth but he provides no guidance, love or support. Mom would be disappointed in him. But then again, she's probably disappointed in me too.

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When I arrive back at my house the only thing I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. I pray to a God I don't believe in every fucking night that I won't see another day. But my prayers are never answered because I will continue to wake up each morning and fight a fight that feels so pointless to me. What would happen if I turned off again? Like I did after Mom died. I think about that a lot and I think the answer is nothing. My father doesn't give a shit about me, Willow doesn't check in on me anymore because I pushed her away, Zane doesn't love me anymore and I disappoint Val on a daily basis.

I finally decide to get out of my car and head up to my cozy bedroom but of course I stop to get a glass of water from downstairs and brush my teeth in the washroom. Then I toss on my favourite oversized shirt Mom used to wear which I took out of the dryer in the basement and it instantly warms me up.

When I get to my room I instantly smile. Val is curled up in my blankets fast asleep with a full face of makeup staining my pillow cases. But that doesn't bother me because she's here with me. Most girls would rather spend the night with their boyfriends but not Val, she always puts me first and I'm not sure why. I really don't deserve her.

While making my way to my side of the bed, I step on the squeaky floor board and she stirs in her sleep and slowly opens her eyes.

"Jesus fucking Christ Ember! I was so fucking worried about you. Where were you? Why didn't you text me?" Sober Valerie curses a lot, but drunk Valerie curses like a trucker.

"Oh sorry, my phone was dead. I was just –" I hesitated, "going for a drive."

"Bullshit Ember!" She exclaimed.

Then I started crying. Which surprised me because I already did that today and I feel like my emotions are usually quite limited.

Val slowly got out of my bed, grabbed my hand and lead me to sit down beside her. She put her arm around me and then said, "What's wrong Emby?" Which she only ever calls me when I'm down and out.

I told her everything from Zane coming into the coffee shop to my father mourning my mom. She lets me sob for a while on her shoulder before she says anything.

"First of all, tomorrow morning I will be at Zane's house, beating him senseless and second of all, Grant is a piece of literal shit."

I laugh a little. "I love you." I mumble to her.

"Get some rest, we have a long day of drinking in the sun and some major ass kicking to do tomorrow." She says with a grin.

And with that, we both crawl into bed and I fall asleep quickly.

I wake up and it is still dark outside. Then I realize my phone is ringing. I pick it up and instantly I can feel my heart start to pound and I begin sweating immediately. It's him. It's Zane. I can't think straight and Val is still fast asleep beside me. I swipe to answer.

"Hello?" I say feeling as though I might cry, vomit, choke or all of the above.

"Hey Embs." He says. I can tell by the tone in his voice that he's drunk.

"What do you want?" I answer bleakly.

"I want to see you," he hesitates for a second "can I come over?" He asks.

"I guess so." I say and hang up as soon as the words come out of my mouth. Why did I say that? Why am I like this? Why do I keep letting him come back in my life?

Then I hear a tap on my window.