Still

Chapter 5

I dream about him frequently. I wake up and I think I have him again but I don't. So, I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling reminiscing over our time together. The thing is, when you fall in love with someone and they stick around for the darkest time in your life their presence will forever remain in the depths of your mind.

It always starts with the night we met. It was a party during which I spent the entire night chatting with him. We were strangers to each other but with the help of slight alcohol intoxication, our first conversation came with ease and comfortability. My first impressions of him were that he was a sweetheart, genuine and incredibly attractive. Val told me the next day that she could tell by my facial expressions that I liked him. I have never fallen for someone so quickly and easily. It was truly absurd but I couldn't stop myself. I got his Snapchat that night and we talked every day, every night and nearly every hour for months afterwards. He didn't flirt at first which probably enticed me to a further extent. He wasn't like any boy I've ever met before and falling for him was the easiest thing I've ever done, and of course, the worst thing I've ever done.

Then I lose myself remembering the second time we hung out, at another party. I invited him and once again we spent the entire night together. Eventually we left the party and sat in the backseat of his vehicle. I lay on his chest and he caressed my hair. I refused to let him kiss me mostly because I was afraid of getting hurt by him but I convinced him it was because I wanted to be sober the first time we kissed, and he respected that. I was utterly surprised that he did not distance himself from me but maybe he just liked the chase.

Zane came and left on multiple occasions, our relationship was definitely an "on and off again" one. I let him come back every time he tried which led to a significant amount of tears and heartbreak. The hardest part to think about was the day he left for good. I always thought the hardest part would be living with the fact that he took my virginity but I was entirely wrong. The hardest part was him leaving. That day was a turning point for me. I knew he wasn't coming back when he ignored my messages and snapchats for twenty-four hours. When I told Val that he left again she assumed he would come back, as he always previously did, so she told me not to worry yet. What Val doesn't quite understand about me is that the worry never stops. It's not only my anxiety but the fact that I have suffered too much loss in my life to cope with more. That night she found me in my bathroom drinking a bottle of vodka in the tub. I don't remember much of this as I had too much alcohol in my system to have any recollection but she told me she was terrified that I would have done something stupid if she had not found me when she did.

When I found out he began dating a friend of mine only a month or so after he vanished from my life I spiraled very deeply into a chronic state of depression. A state of depression I had not been in since my mom left. I am still trying to drag myself out of this deepening abyss of darkness but every time I think I can see a glimmer of light, I fall farther in.

Zane didn't just break my heart, he abandoned me when I needed him most. The anniversary of my mother's death was approaching when he left and I still cannot believe a person could be so cold to leave someone when they need love desperately.

"I am scared to hurt you Ember."

"I won't leave you babe."

The lies spewed out of his mouth without stutter. I still wonder if he ever truly loved me, if he ever really cared. I also continuously convince myself that I am the problem. I was too much of a burden for him, I pushed him away when he didn't want me to. I am the reason he didn't stay.

I stay in this entrancement of reliving my time with a boy that still has my heart for about an hour.

____________________________

"Why the fuck are you awake so early?" Val grumbles as I drag the comforter off of myself which wakes her up. She's an awfully light sleeper and I always fail to remember to be extra quiet while she's sleeping.

"I had a shitty dream and couldn't fall back asleep but it's ten already so that's not even early." I say laughing a little.

"Maybe not for you." She says and shoves her face in the pillow.

"Coffee?" I ask.

"Sleep." She replies.

"No." I say and chuck my pillow at her.

"I am going to fight you." She says while giggling.

I shuffle downstairs and stare at the pictures of Mom that still hang on the wall above the staircase as I do every time I walk by them. I miss her more than anything but I know her absence was her choice which infuriates me to a harsh degree. She should have stayed for me; she knew how much I needed her.

I make the coffee for Val and I, mine iced black and hers iced with a crazy amount of sugar and cream. She has a sweet tooth, that's for sure.

"Here you are, early bird!" I say sarcastically while handing her the cup of cold sugar and cream with a hint of actual coffee.

She rolls her eyes while smirking as a reply.

"I still don't understand how you can drink that. It's literally painful for me to make your coffee." I say laughing as I cannot stand sweet coffee.

"Shut up, at least I'm not an old grandma who drinks black coffee." She says and we both giggle and curl up into bed to watch a bit of Netflix before deciding what to do with our day.

"Well, well, well." Val randomly says while she's on her phone.

"Well what?" I question.

"The smug bitch's sidekick just invited me to her pool party this afternoon." By "smug bitch" she's referring to Ray and by "sidekick" she's referring to Ray's best friend, Iris. Iris is actually a sweet girl and Val and I often question why she continues to be friends with Ray.

I sit quietly, not knowing what to say. Everyone knows Val and I are best friends. Ray is probably scheming against me in some manipulative way.

"I said why." Val laughs. Her loathe for Ray is very clear at all times.

"Oh my god." I say forcing a small giggle.

"She's typing," she waits for a moment, "Wanted to know if you're interested. You can bring Em." She recites Iris's response. "Em? She called you Em? Is she fucking serious?" I was thinking the same thing, Ray put her up to this, she's plotting a trap.

"Let's go." I say sternly.

"What the fuck?" Val states.

"No. I'm serious. Let's go."

"Are you on crack? Like seriously. Why in the actual fuck would you want to go to this?" She seemed utterly confused, as was I, for wanting to go.

"It's part of the moving-on process." I reply with a bit of surprise for myself and also with quiver of discontent.