Still

Chapter 6

            It had been a long while since I truly looked at him. Obviously, I see him at school every day but I hadn't studied his face or even let my eyes observe him for more than a second since he destroyed my heart. I guess I really do still love him because seeing him with Ray ties my stomach into knots and I can't help but to keep guzzling alcohol to subside the pain he puts me through.

"Jesus Christ, look at these self-centered bitches." Val says, which ends my entrancement.

"I mean c'mon, they think they're so fucking hot." She continues not noticing my discontent. "Could that hoe push her tits any farther up? My god."

I offer a weak giggle in response.

"Are you okay? Should we go? Because this party is fucking---"

"Fucking wild! Right?" Says Ray suddenly appearing directly beside Val.

"I was actually about to say shit." She glares at Ray with disgust.

This time I actually give a real smile because Val never fails to shock me when she says something so snarky with ease.

"What the fuck is your problem? I was nice enough to invite you to my party and this is how you talk to me? What do you even have against me Valerie?" Ray replies in her snarkiest voice and immediately I can see the rage evolving in Val's eyes.

"Val, let's just go," I start but she stops me immediately. I know I shouldn't try to tame her because once you cross Val, well, I consider it a point of no return.

Val proceeds to position herself directly in Ray's face. "What do I have against you?" She challenges in a voice of quiet fury. Ray doesn't back down but I can tell she's quivering on the inside. "Well, Raylen, you egotistical bitch. Take a look at Ember and ask me that question again."

I take a second to look around me and come to realize that we are making quite the scene. I catch Zane's eyes as he glances towards us and he begins to make his way over. Iris is silently observing with her feet in the pool and makes no sudden movement to join the commotion.

"This isn't about her." Ray sneers. "I haven't done a single thing to upset you Valerie."

"What's going on Ray?" Zane pipes in suddenly.

"You fucking bastard, stay out of this." Val quips and he is taken aback dramatically.

"Everything you two pricks have done to Ember is why I hate you so fucking much. She lost everything and you have the audacity to ask me what I have against you? Oh, sweetheart, you truly are a naïve child." To this, I am taken aback myself. This is not what I had intended to happen and I begin to feel a wave of anxiety flood my body.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" Ray inquires with rage.

"Would you like me to continue?" Val pronounces thoroughly.

Ray gets closer to Val's face and suddenly it's happening. I'm in the midst of a panic attack and desperately try to find an escape route. I push past the mob that is now formed around us and all I can hear in the distance is screams and the collapse of someone falling into water. I find my way to Val's car and sit inside, locking the doors instantly, waiting for the anxiety to subside.

I hear a knock on the window and see Zane staring at me with concern. For the first time in a long time, he is the last person I want any form of communication with.

"Ember." He says and I look away, feeling the warmth of tears in my eyes. "Please unlock the door." He proceeds and I give no indication of doing so. "Embs." He says in a voice I haven't heard in ages. A voice I knew so well, one that would either fill me up with happiness or one that would tear my heart in two.

I couldn't help but press the unlock button.

He opened the door slowly and sat down silently. I could feel his cold blue eyes staring at me. He gently brushes his hand next to mine and I recoil immediately.

"No! You aren't allowed to do this to me anymore!" I shout while now in a spell of sobs.

"I'm sorry Ember." He says solemnly and lets his head fall against the rest behind him while closing his eyes. "I don't know how to fix this."

"You can't."

"I want to try." He pleads.

"Try? You think now is the time to try and mend our relationship? Jesus fucking Christ. You don't understand! You don't understand how it felt to lose you! My mother took her own fucking life and left me here but I still had you to love. You don't fucking understand how it feels to lose someone else you love to their own accord."

"I didn't know you loved me." He says softly.

"How couldn't you Zane? I gave you everything I possibly could." I say sternly.

"Ember. You left me that night. I thought you were done with me. I-I..." he trailed off.

That night. The night I finally caved and let him take my virginity too. I let him take everything I had to offer and once he had that, I had nothing left. What else am I supposed to give to someone that wants it all?

"Please get out. I need to go home." I say blankly without emotion.

"Embs." He tries to go on but I stay silent staring out the window.

He hesitates but leaves.

He left.

Why does it hurt every time he does it?