unmemorable // noragami yato x reader

unnoticeable existence.

I'm not sure how long I've been alive at this point. Past 100 years without aging really ruled out the possibility of being human. I envy them, being able to feel. The smiles around on all the people's faces blur, their laughter ringing in my ears. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of feeling anything. For as long as I can remember, I've been numb. 

I wish I was alive. Not just meekly existing. As far as I can figure, I'm some sort of spirit. I just know that I've been drifting through the realm of the human world, not able to experience any of it. I look out, at the scenery that should be flooded with beautiful colors, and all I can see is black and white. I can only see the colors in my own appearance, by now they look washed out. My (h/c) strands not as vibrant as it used to be, my (e/c) eyes now dull. I'm scared at what will happen once they fade away entirely. I often picture that my lifeline is tied to the colors. As they grow to wash away, my sense of being seems to as well. 

I walk along the bank of a river, then sit at the edge. I walked awhile, but after so long of travelling by foot, I can't feel my feet anymore. It's like literal drifting. The crystal clear water is only a shade above the light colored grass. If I jumped in right now, would I feel it anymore? I know it's supposed to be cool, wet, and refreshing. I lean over, and tap the surface of the water, watching my reflection ripple. I hover my index finger above the water, watching a single droplet slide down to the end of my fingertips. I should've felt the movement of the water on my own skin, but the sensation faded. The drop falls, and hits the rest of the water with a small ping. 

The sky's bright shade soon turns to gray, a few tones above black. The passing of mortal time means nothing to me anymore. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but after nothing changed, I gave up. I continue to sit by the water's edge, voices around me turning into distant chatter. I can't understand what they're saying, but I know none of it concerns me. At some point, I push myself to stand back up on my feet. The night will be cold, and the feeling of warmth has long since left me, my nerves unable to grasp the temperature difference. But at the center source of some heat, I can feel the humidity. Which is why I like Japanese weather, at least sometimes with the humidity in the air, I can trick myself into thinking about the comfort of warmth. 

One foot in front of the other, I move upside the river bank. I walk across to the bridge, a lot of people wearing coats passing by the opposite direction. I steer away to avoid them, not sure that if I reached out to touch them, I would be able to. They wouldn't feel it. They can't even see me. But I think since my senses started going dull I've lost the ability to feel any physical form on Earth. I was too scared to test my theory. It's like slowly being aware of your body shutting down, your mind being awake yet your soul collapsing in on itself. Suffocating, in the most painful of ways. Nobody notices. 

I stop beside someone looking out at the water over the bridge. A normal young lady, early twenties if I were to guess. She holds out a small coin, and flips it out into the water, whispering a few wishes underneath her breath to the Yato god. Huh, Yato god? That's a new one. If only my wishes could come true. I've never even spoken any of my wishes out loud, isn't that the rule? If you tell someone your wish, it won't come true? Watching her coin cut through the air below, I wish upon it as well. 

Make the process of fading quicker.

I stuff my hands in the pockets of the jeans I'm wearing. With a huff I continue walking down the side of the bridge, not caring where I end up. Maybe if I'm lucky, the phantoms will detect my form and feast on it. In broad daylight, or in complete darkness, no other form of being can see me. All I know is that going back home is depressing. A small shrine in the middle of the forest, with one name carved along a metal plate. So old, so worn away that the name given to me can't be written in modern Japanese hiragana, katakana, or kanji. I reject the name, even though it's the only one properly bestowed upon me. Y/n. It's pointless. Names are for those who have someone else to call them by. 

I give up on walking, taking a spot on the bridge. I scoot closer to the edge, letting my legs dangle over the side. If I jumped, would I come in contact with the water? Could I drown my human lungs? Would something so simple as a suicide be enough to actually kill me? The bullets and blades wouldn't ever pierce me. I got so desperate to not only try breaking my skin, but the insides of me as well. My ties to this world are nonexistent, and my contact with it are minimal nowadays. But is there anything stopping the water from seeping into my lungs? I lean forward, gripping the rail above me. I want to let my body slip down, fall into the flow of the water and lay at the bottom of the river. 

I look to my right, watching all the people walk by me mindlessly. What would they do if they were aware of me sitting right here? Most people walking by are wearing jackets and scarves to take care of themselves for the cold weather. It should be mid fall weather for them. The air will soon shrink to be dry again, and the cold will surely set in faster than they expect. All the people around me continue walking right by me, a select few walking straight through me. They all look and act the same. Professional. Normal. Boring. The only thing that strikes me as different is one of them, a kid. Young teen, with light wash hair, although I can't tell the color, it probably is blonde. A rare sight here. He's wearing a long jacket as well, dark shaded against his skin. He's alone, and he's walking around the other people who pay him no mind. He seems to be rushing for something, maybe he's missed his curfew home. I turn back to the water, forgetting about the boy until something interacts with my form, and suddenly I'm plunging down towards the water. 

I'm shocked, I had no idea anyone would be able to come in contact with me. My hair flies behind me as I brace myself of the hit against the water. The bridge wasn't very high up, but high enough. I break right through the surface, as if a knife through warm butter. I tuck my knees up to my chest, sitting at the bottom of the river. My hair floats around me, and I open my eyes to see my surroundings. I take a deep breath, hoping my systems flood with water. But I can breathe normally. Oh well. Maybe I'll just stick here for a while. 

Wait. 

I shouldn't be here. 

That shouldn't have happened. Whatever it was that pushed me in, even if by accident, shouldn't have been able to touch me. They should've passed right through me. And if they were able to hit me, did they know I was there? Impossible. I'm letting the small amount of hopes I have run wild. But I don't care. 

I scramble around, and I look at a small coin on the floor on the river. The wish that that lady made to the Yato god placed upon the coin. I reach out, my fingers fumbling for it, but a few times it slips right through. Come on. This isn't a good time for my fading to happen. This might just be important. I have no idea why but the small object is what I feel drawn to. My fingers enclose around the small coin worth five yen, and I push up to the top of the water. Swimming as fast as I can to the bank, I run up along the side of the bridge, not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe it's a person. Who was it that could've pushed me in? And where could they be?