Diary Of An Undercovered Bisexual - All The Boys I Secretly Fell In Love With

Entry #1

I'm going to call him Zack from now on. I don't really know his name, but this guy Zack is a year younger than me, I know that.

We go to the same school but I never saw him until tonight. And God how I wish that I saw him sooner.

His hair is a little bit shorter than mine, and a lot lighter in its tone. I know that this description makes sense only for me, but, for anyone else reading this, they'll have to go with it.

The moment I saw him my mind started coming up with the scenarios of how we could meet.

And then there I was, hiding away in the club's bathroom to smoke the cigarette because I had to keep it a secret from my sister. The moment Zack walked in I was totally cool, leaning on one of the walls, the smoke coming out of my mouth.

But I never took my eyes off of him. He's shorter than me, I noticed that, and his eyes are that mix between green and blue.

He stands next to me, waiting for a stall to be free, so he could finish what he came for.

"Why are you looking at me?", he asks and I can barely hear him over the music.

"Is that a problem?", I ask because I am too cool to simply answer his question.

"No, no it's not", he says, and with that, we fall into the silence.
"Are you gay?", he asks after a while.

"No", I say simply then look at him, "are you disappointed?".

"Yeah", he says lowering his head in embarrassment.

One stall is finally free and he walks in to finish his business. I put out my cigarette but I stand still in the same place, just to see him this close again.

"I'm bisexual", I say to him as he walks out of the bathroom and starts washing his hands,"does that work for you", I add to provoke him.

"Yes, yes it does", he says, coming closer to me. Our eyes meet and I can't keep my cool any longer. "How about we go outside later, get away from this crowd", he asks, failing to hide a smile from his face.

Something brings me back to the reality, and all at once, I am no longer facing him in the bathroom. Instead, I am standing in the club, the music is still loud, the crowd is dancing, and he is standing a few feets away from me with his friends.

I try to relax and dance to the music. I didn't come here tonight to think about some boy, I came here to have some fun.

But very fast I find out that I can keep neither my eyes nor my mind off of him.

I look at him way too often, and I look away when I realize that I am staring.

My mind keeps shifting from reality to what I wish was real and back.

One moment I am outside of the club, alone, with him, our lips are pressed together, and the other moment I am in the crowd, looking away from him so I'm not too obvious. One moment my hands are under his black t-shirt and I can feel his skin under my fingertips and the other moment I'm sneaking a look at him.

Then, his friends are not there and he sits alone at the table. At this point, I don't even care if he realizes that I'm looking at him.

I debate with myself if I should go over to him and introduce myself or not.

I don't. And his friends show up. So I wasted a chance, nothing new.

Still, I have a little hope. Maybe when I go home he will be outside. And he will come to me and pull me aside, tell me that he saw me looking at him whole night long. Maybe I wouldn't get to taste his lips or get him naked (which would be preferable) but I'll get that "hit me up" or something else that means "I like you too".

But I go home and Zack isn't outside.