my spartace and kwangmong heart:'

REPLACE PT.5

"Oppa, let me be your distraction."

It had already been two weeks since she had blurted out the words, and so far, she and Kwangsoo had been on twelve dates, and among them had eight in which they went drinking. She had also had countless amounts of hugs with the guy of her dreams, and had breathed in his scent so many times she felt giddy from happiness.

But even as she enjoyed these so-called luxuries, she always felt a deep tug in her heart and mind, as if a forgotten memory trying to resurface desperately. She felt so vulnerable, as if she had done something wrong. Was it due to the fact that she knew those dates were only a scheme for him to get over Jihyo?

Perhaps deep down, Somin knew she was lying to herself so desperately; she knew that behind all his hugs were just efforts to recover from his heartbreak, and all the kisses they shared was just him trying to fill up his emptiness in his hollow heart.

But even so, Somin wanted to do something for her Oppa.

I won't be someone who says I love you yet won't sacrifice.

On dates where Kwangsoo was sober, she would enjoy tasting fantastic deserts from famous bakeries or a simple movie at his house. Those dates made her smile the widest. But the other majority of dates where Kwangsoo became drunk was pure torture; her heart ached from having to hear Kwangsoo yearn for Jihyo.

Flashback:
Kwangsoo was kissing her again. He was hungry for comfort, Somin could tell when he smashed his lips against hers roughly.

His usual unique scent was strangely not there, Somin thought, as she ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to her body. Today, Kwangsoo had smelt a little different, yet familiar.

"He's drunk. Does he know it's me?"

As she felt Kwangsoo's touch on her body, a sharp jolt travelled from his fingertips to her heart. Now, overcomed by lust, Somin pushed away all thoughts she had and started coiling her legs around Kwangsoo's.

"Noona, I love you."

His soft whisper in her ear made Somin freeze. She stood still, as if she was slapped by a bucket of ice.

Somin didn't know why and how her cheeks dampened, but it did anyways.

It came out uncontrollably, spilling over her lashes and dripping off her chin, as she trembled.

Kwangsoo had probably felt her shaking, and pulled away, gazing in her eyes, lovelorn.

"Noona, don't cry. I love you, and always will. You're the only one for me."

Somin just cried harder, and rushed off without replying Kwangsoo.

Oh God, it hurt so bad.

Even though she felt as if he had picked up the same knife and stabbed her over and over again a thousand times, she felt helpless and could only stand there in the same position, waiting for him to kill her yet again.

Yet, she couldn't bear to leave the relationship. For the four dates where she had the opportunity to hang out with a sober Kwangsoo, she would sacrifice herself for the eight dates where her heart would shatter. For her heart to flutter and for Kwangsoo to get over Jihyo, she was willing to pull through this suffering.

She wanted to help Kwangsoo, but is destroying herself like that the only way?

~

"Somin-ah, are you okay? You seem exhausted lately," Haha asked her.

Running Man was currently preparing for another shoot, and the staff were running around busily.

"I'm okay Oppa. Thanks for the concern," Somin replied respectfully, forcing a smile. She could tell Haha wasn't convinced at all, and felt grateful when he chose not to dig into the topic.

"Okay. I've got some vitamins my wife bought for me a while back, I'll give you some later," Haha told her and patted her back lightly as he slowly walked back.

Somin gave him another smile and nodded.

"Somin-ah."

Somin shut her eyes as if trying to protect herself from witnessing another scene.

"Somin-ah, um... Do you know what happened yesterday? I found your scarf on my floor this morning... Did I... You know... K-kiss you again?"

Oh, how different Kwangsoo was when he is drunk. Somin could never tell him what he had did to her when he wasn't sober.

"Oh, nothing happened, Oppa. I just helped you home when you were drunk," Somin replied, reciting her memorized words in a fake cheery tone.

Kwangsoo is a good man.

She was miserable, but he was feeling a little better. So it didn't matter, for him she doesn't matter. For the man who made her heart flutter, she can do anything.

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