rantbook // rose vous emmerde

/ une très belle conversation /

discussion provenant d'instagram avec mon meilleur ami. je parle en franglais avec lui, n'hésitez pas à me demander une traduction si besoin.

ROSE : mais sincèrement j'en ai marre de blâmer. blame myself. blame my friends. blame Pauline. just fuck that. everyone did stuffs wrong, it is time to get other it.

NELSON : well said.

ROSE : i can't change the past, de plus la colère et le regret me demandent trop d'énergie.

NELSON : preach. that's so true. make lessons out of your and other people's mistakes.

ROSE : for the first time for a long period, i don't wanna die. i truely don't want that.
and i mean it.

NELSON : i am happy for u ! how does that feel ?

ROSE : it asks confidence because now you don't have death as an exit to run away from your problems. u need to face them. and be like damn, i have the strenght to stay alive no matter what.

NELSON : fuck that's good.

ROSE : nelson. do you want to die ?

NELSON : i don't know. maybe ? one thing that's good is recently i admitted to myself that i might be scared of dying. so that's good. but i am still in severe depression.

ROSE : jsuis pas arrivée au stade où j'ai peur de la mort. jsuis au stade : je vais pas me suicider mais si je meurs tant mieux / tant pis. du coup je m'en fou de me mettre en danger. je traverse n'importe comment, je me met à fumer, j'ai peur de "rien".

NELSON : yeah i see what u mean. moi c'est plus radical i guess, je me fais du mal et ça me dérange pas. j'ai perdu la joie "romantique et sexuelle" de vivre.

ROSE : i was like u a month ago. it is when i radically changed my life that i nearly finished my depression. i changed my friends. my style. where i usually go. everything.

NELSON : i am not ready to make that change. like idk i need to have a face to face talk with rio where he tells me he doesn't want to see me and then i can actually realise it's over between us.

ROSE : it is funny to see that i thought exactly like you. i wanted THE discussion with Pauline to close everything. but you know what ? life can't be planned. and we love(d) assholes. we can't put our future happiness on their actions. waiting something from them to allow yourself to heal is a way to run away.

NELSON : that's true. but it scared me to admit that. it is crazy how pain can be such a rock you know ?

ROSE : it is like the healing processus is as jumping in a cold pool. u know you have to do it. but despite everything, ca demande moins d'énergie de rester dans la dépression que d'essayer de bouger. it is lazyness but i don't blame u at all, we went through tough stuffs which took our energy.

NELSON : yeah we have. but in a way that makes us stronger than everyone else. because we are surviving. or at least we are trying.

ROSE : mais c'est seulement quand on m'a forcé à sauter dans le bain que j'ai dû arrêter d'être faignante et bouger les choses. c'est pas à moi de te pousser dans l'eau glacé, c'est quand t'aura aucun autre moyen que t'y sautera de toi même. mais saches que si tu as froid, je serais là et que je comprendrais.

NELSON : thank u for everything. i love u rosy

ROSE : i love u too nelly.