Hope in Our Hearts by Lydia Proffitt

Chapter Twenty-One

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Without hope we are lost.

- Mahmoud Darwish

Lucy took her turn holding Jason as he cried. He kept saying he was his father, and Lucy kept assuring him he wasn't. Lucy knew once Jason felt them inside her he would forgive her. It was for Jason to want her to get an abortion when he pictured the babies as tissue with no soul, no feelings, and no movement. He didn't understand, but now he did. His children were growing, beautiful children inside her. For the first time he pictured them as his babies.

They both shared the hospital bed never stirring and not saying a word. Jason only kissed her forehead once he knew he had to pick the boys up from school.

Lucy sat in the hospital bed feeling like her whole body had betrayed her. She couldn't forget how happy she was to be having twins only to now feel so much fear. She knew there were risks but she never dreamed of this.

She never dreamed she would be going through this pregnancy alone. Kathleen, Lexie, and Rebecca tried to be comforting, but none of them was who she wanted. None of them was who she needed.

There were things Lucy was scared of. When she knew her mother was going to die, Lucy was afraid to be alone. When she saw she was pregnant after James died, she was scared she wouldn't be a good mother. When she was told she would more than likely die, she was terrified to never see her children grow up. Her heart raced because she was genuinely scared that these would be the last weeks of her life.

However, despite being terrified, Lucy never doubted her decision for a second. She knew the outlook on her life wasn't very ideal with the goal she had in mind. She made a goal of at least May, but it would be March for another few days. She knew she had to give the babies their best chance even if it meant she was more likely to have a seizure and die. Lucy wasn't worried about what would happen to her after she died, but she did worry about Caleb, Kale, Meg, and the babies inside her. She felt so morbid picturing herself dying and leaving them, but she wasn't going to leave them without a fight.

Lucy was going to fight with everything she had, but she knew what she would be sacrificing if she was to lose the battle for her life. She dreamed of seeing her children fall in love and get married. She wanted to walk Meg to her classroom on her first day of school, surprise Kale with a big boy bike once he got off training wheels, and embarrass Caleb by taking too many pictures at his senior prom. She wanted to be there for every little milestone, and the thought of not being there brought tears to her eyes. Lucy was so sick and tired of crying. If only tears could fix the world, then there would not be anything to cry about.

The doctor John referred them to stopped to talk to her a while after Jason left. She took Lucy's blood pressure to see how high it was and put her on a dose of mercury. The doctor informed her how bedrest may help, however, Lucy knew from research it hasn't proven to make a difference. She performed a blood test and a non-stress test. Before she left, the doctor gave Lucy crushing instructions. They wanted to take every precaution to keep her blood pressure as low as possible. That included lot's of rest and limiting those who could cause stress from seeing her–-the doctor was referring to her kids.

Lucy cried some more once she left wondering what else she had to sacrifice. It was one thing to give up the possibility of seeing them grow up, but Lucy really didn't want to surrender what time she had left. Lucy decided to call Jason and inform him later when she could create a strong voice to hide how she was dying on the inside.

Lucy was scared to call Jason. She hated to make him the bad guy who wouldn't bring the kids here when they asked. She didn't want to call him and deliver more bad news, especially because she had never seen him so broken. His face was unshaven, and he needed a haircut a week ago. What killed her the most was the way he couldn't even look at her. How it made her feel like he couldn't stand being in the same room as her.