Synonym

Chapter 27

Finn and I had a fight last night.

I told him to go to practice but he refused. Needless to say, he won that argument because I needed someone to take me back to the apartment. I didn't want him to baby me again. I had felt with it once before after my rape and once was more than enough. I hated feeling helpless.

It was the same song and dance. Take my pills, eat my food, help me reach things high up or low to the ground, nag me like I'm 2; you know, the usual. It was more of an internal struggle, though. His help only showed his love but I saw it as my weakness. I couldn't help it.

This is twice now that Finn has had to nurse me back to health while my uterus tried to commit suicide. In less than a year. It's pitiful, really.

"I'm starting to see an eerily frightening pattern. I think my time clock is about eleven months and two weeks." I muttered while slowly sitting down on our bed slowly, as if that would stop the pain in my core. I felt like I was being stabbed still. I've determined that the after affects of hemorrhaging are not fun. But that went without saying. "Maybe you should become a gynecologist instead of an investment banker."

Finn rolled his eyes, not finding it as amusing as I did. I wouldn't be happy if someone had just killed my child either. "Well at least you can eat solids this time." He responded plainly while taking off his leather jacket and hanging it in the closet.

"That didn't exactly stop me last time."

"Trust me, I know." He snorted while trying to hide his smirk. I couldn't help but laugh a little. My happiness disappeared as soon as it came; I shouldn't be laughing when 24 hours ago I was bleeding out on the damn floor while my child died.

"Jason bought us groceries this morning. He didn't go to practice either but don't get into a screaming match with him. He's just trying to help." Finn said while changing into just a pair of sweatpants. I know one day isn't a big deal, but it wouldn't exactly put them in Coaches good graces. Missing 16% of your team isn't good. Missing 1/3 of your starters is even worse.

Finn had a legitimate excuse. Losing your baby counts as a family emergency. Jason however.... let's just say he's wasting a sick day to buy me groceries. It's hard to be mad at him after that. I still hadn't talked to him, the guilt of that was getting to me too. I'd have to call him tomorrow.

"I'll uh...just sleep on the couch." Finn said while heading for the door. Great. He doesn't want to be near me.

"What? Are you mad at me?" I pained me to ask, but if it was time to face the brutal truth than so be it.

Finn stopped in the doorway and spun around on his heal, his eyebrows pulled together. "What? Why would I be mad at you?" He sounded genuinely confused. He looked genuinely confused too.

"You mean to tell me that you don't resent me at all right now? Not even a little?" I asked rhetorically while crossing my arms.

"Why would I do that?" Finn asked seriously while turning his palms up, his arms out.

He was going to make me say it. "Because I killed your child." My voice that was full of power not ten seconds ago, and now it was as weak as humanely possible.

Sadness washed over Finn's face but instead of leaving, he did the opposite and moved to beside me on the bed, resting his head on the wooden headboard behind him. His eyes fell on the ceiling as a result of his position. "Are you ready to talk about it?" Finn asked carefully.

I remained silent as I studied his pained looking profile. You could cut the tension with a knife. Eventually, Finn lifted his head and turned to look at me, his green eyes arresting mine. "I don't blame you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I could have known my blood type. I could have gotten the shot. I could have called about the blood tests sooner. I could have found out about about the whole damn pregnancy sooner and we wouldn't be in this mess!" I didn't realize that I had gone from sad to angrily crying my eyes out until I practically screamed at Finn. "All of this is my damn fault. I quite literally killed your baby!"

Finn's face twitched at the harshness of my words but none the less, he wrapped his bare arm around my shoulders, his warmth keeping me calm like a weighted blanket. "Why do you keep saying 'your'? Are you trying to distance yourself from this? You know that won't ease your pain."

He was right but that wasn't why I was doing it. I was calling it our child in my head. "I don't know. Maybe I just want you to get mad at me. Like some sort of sick validation I need."

"Well, your not going to get it because it wasn't your fault. It's no ones fault. It just happened." I shifted to rest my head on his bare chest. It was comforting to hear his slow and steady heart beat. It was like it slowed mine just listening to it.

"Everything is always someone's fault. This was my fault. I did this." My voice cracked and warm tears started to flow down my cheeks. "I didn't even want a baby three months ago and here I am breaking down about it. I feel so-so stupid for getting attached. I was an idiot to think something would go my way for once."

Finn didn't try to interrupt me or comfort me with words as I poured my twisted heart out to him. I'm glad, because I would have never been able to get it out if he stopped me. It would have stayed bottled up like a forgotten landmine, exploding when everyone thinks it's long gone.

"'Having a baby with you is the most beautiful thing in the world.' I never thought I would agree with that statement but I did. Whole heartedly. And then it got ripped away from me and now all I feel is guilt, and sadness, and rage. I'm going to sound like a certified psychopath but I wish I bled out." I laughed bitterly. I was truly a psychopath. "I killed our baby and they killed me. Poetic justice don't you think?"

Finn's arm left my body like I'd burned him. I probably did. Words hurt a lot more than we'd like to admit. I felt him grab my jaw and force me to look up at him. He had watery eyes just like he did that day in the hospital. I made him feel that pain. "Don't say that. Do you know how close you were to dieing? You almost flat lined in the ambulance, Jason said. I showed up at the hospital practically losing my mind because all they told me was that you were in critical condition. I almost lost you." Finn's deep voice cracked, something that he'd never done before.

"That was the worst hour of my life. And if we're sharing our sick thoughts; I didn't want the baby to die. But I wanted you to live more than them. Maybe it's because I'd never met my child, I'd only been able to love them for three weeks when I've loved you for almost a year. Sylvia, I almost lost the love of my life the same night I lost my own blood. Please, tell me anything but that. Say it to a therapist but don't tell me you wish you died. I don't think my heart can take it."

Finn was forcing me to look at him. At the hurt and despair I caused him. My words did that and I would never forgive myself. It was a selfish thing to say. I don't even know if I truly felt that way, it was just another one of those absurd things that run through your head when you're angry at the world.

"I'm sorry. I was being selfish. I wouldn't want to hear it if I were in your position." Finn didn't try to kiss me and for that I am glad. I didn't want that type of affection right now and I don't think he did either. Sam wasn't kidding when he said we were like the same person. In this case, it helped us. "I love you and we'll get through this together."

"I'm glad you feel that way because I wasn't planing on leaving you alone."

Maybe, just maybe, my feelings wouldn't pull me under the water.