nothing ever really ends

missing

hey
how have you been
we haven't spoken in a while
i'd just like to check in
how's your summer been
i've seen you've been busy
how about we grab a coffee sometime
haven't seen you in forever
i miss you

foolish games played by foolish players
i never really missed you
i missed the idea of you
i missed your laugh
now i say my witty comments alone and the only person that laughs is the voice inside my head
i missed the inside jokes we shared
now someone mentions something that triggers the joke and i'm the only person around that understands what i'm laughing at and people just give me dirty looks
i missed your eyes
gazing into them because i couldn't say anything to you to make you or me uncomfortable
i missed your hair
how effortlessly it floats onto your shoulders and how it danced in the wind
i missed the photographs
when looking back at the pictures and videos for a split second i was instantly swarmed with joy
i missed the idea of not being alone
i missed the idea of always having someone to talk to
i missed the images you put in my mind of how simple life was

but what i never told you was what i didn't miss
i didn't miss the late night texts making sure you were okay
i didn't miss the drama you bestowed upon me
i didn't miss how manipulative you became
i didn't miss the emotions you put in me
i didn't miss the thoughts you put in my head
i didn't miss the crap you claim to have gone through
i didn't miss how you made me feel
i didn't miss the stress i felt
i didn't miss how painful you made it
i didn't miss how you took everything from my grasp and snatched it away in a few seconds
i didn't miss how you did such things showing such little emotions
i didn't miss how you made it seem so effortless, removing me like how you would take out the trash
i didn't miss what we were

no matter how much i may miss you and everything about you i wouldn't trade anything to go back. i wouldn't go back even if you begged me to go back to how things were. you were like a cigarette. at first a little unbearable, but then slowly i got addicted to you. i couldn't live a day without you in my life. despite knowing how harmful you were and the disease you were causing i still couldn't get enough of you. living everyday like the previous only to eventually have to live my last causing such grief upon everyone i claimed to love and that claimed to love me. you tore me apart and ripped everything i had out of my hands, even the things i didn't know i had. i was left with nothing. left and abandoned. alone. you watched down on me from afar, sitting upon your throne of artifacts, that didn't belong to you, in your castle of lies and artificial emotions, that you plastered on every morning. slowly day by day, night by night i took those lies, artifacts and emotions back and i built myself up leaving you lower and weaker with nothing of true value. because you, you only know how to use people to make yourself rise up, you're not strong enough to do it on your own; so while you're sitting in the dungeon of your castle maybe you should use that time to teach yourself about what you can do to make yourself rise without using people.

so the next time i say i miss you just know that this is what i mean