Handprints on the Glass

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   Part 1: Not ready to heal

        Joanna, It's been two years, you have to find a way to move on.

I know mom. That's a really easy thing to say, not an easy thing to do.

I realize that honey. Of course it isnt easy. It is necessary though. You have to rejoin society. You have to take care of Mark. The boy needs his mother.

I'm trying mom. I swear I am. If the pain would just subside even a little bit maybe I could do it.

This pain will always be there Jo, always, it isnt the type of thing you ever get over. I just want you to find some semblance of happiness again. I want you and Mark to have a life.  He's eight years old now, time will go by faster than you know. You lost one son, dont let that pain make you lose another.

I take care of my son, mother.

Yes I know, you cook for him and set out his clothes and do things like that. But let me ask you dear, when's the last time you took him to the park?

You know the answer to that question mom. Why are you torturing me?

Oh sweetheart, I love you dearly. Im not torturing you for gods sake, Im trying to save you!

Mom, I appreciate it, but could you try some other time, I really dont have the strength for it right now.

Why didnt you go to his recital?

You know why.

He cried afterwards because you werent there you know.

No, I didnt know. He never told me that.

I know he didnt dear, thats why I am. He knows you haven't gotten over the death of his brother. He didnt want to upset you.

Tears begin forming in Joanna's eyes.  "He really is a good boy mom, I love him so much."

Then show him Jo. Go pick him up from school and take him for icecream. Leave this apartment for once.

I haven't left this apartment in two years mom. You know I can't.  Justin never could, the poor little angel. Just used to sit here and look out at all of the children. Its not fair mom, Its just not fair.

I know it isnt honey. Nothing is fair. God doesn't deal in fair.  I think when he needs an angel he takes one. Thats all I can think of.  Look at what goes on in the world.  One day a man will kill someone and then spend the rest of his life free and living as he pleases. The next day the head of volunteers at the local soup kitchen will step out onto the road and be killed by a bus. Nothing is fair honey. If it was all bad people would be stricken and wonderful people would be given riches and great health and love and friendship.  You know what though? That would be a perfect world. This isnt a perfect world, this is the real world. You have to stop thinking about things you can't possibly explain.

I will never stop thinking about Justin, ever.

That is not what I mean. Just stop thinking about fair and unfair. Stop thinking about why. Please just try to find a way to heal and get on with your life. Im begging you.   Now honey, dont freak out, but I really think we should clean the handprints off of the window.  I think they are one of the things that are holding you back.

Joanna's face took on a look of horror. "No! Dont you dare touch that window!" Tears now streaming down her face she ran over to the chair in front of the window and sat in it."  Sobs filled her lungs till she could hardly breathe. "Please mom, no. Please leave them. Please" She sank off of the chair and slumped onto the floor. Her crying turned to moans of pain as she lost all emotional control.  Her mother laid down next to her and comforted her by saying" Ok Jo, We will leave the handprints. I'm sorry. You're not ready. Just try to calm down honey. I love you . She wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her untill she felt her crying subside.

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