Handprints on the Glass

Handprints on the Glass Part 3- 12 Empty bottles

    Laying on the living room couch Joanna heard her mother use her key to turn the lock and open the door. 

Hi mom. She said without looking up.

Hello Joanna. How are you today?  I brought you the weekly groceries.

I'm ok I guess. Thanks mom..... Im sorry you have to do that.

Yes I know Joanna, you say that every week. Will you at least help me put the things away?

Of course.  Mom, please dont be angry with me. I need you. I really do.

I'm not angry honey. I just dont know what to do is all.  I guess I feel more helpless than angry to tell you the truth . I just wish this all would pass.  I wish I could have my daughter back. I wish my grandson could have his mother back. This pain has got such a grip on you its like your not even here with us.

Im trying really hard mom.  I promise you. Just the fact that I'm able to stand here without tears running down my face is a major accomplishment. It takes all the energy I have just to not break down. Just to not throw myself on the floor and sob. Thats what I feel like doing every second of every day.  When Mark is home with me I try to keep it at bay.  I try to play games with him and help him with his homework and smile. But it's really hard mom, do you even know how hard it is to smile?

Of course I do honey.  I have suffered through this as well. I lost my sweet little grandchild and I miss him every day of my life.  And now I have a daughter who can't even leave her own apartment. I've not told you this before, but I cry myself to sleep most nights. Its hard to turn off your mind at night. Just as you're about to fall asleep seems to be the time that all the dark thoughts and terrible memories make an appearance.  Im here for you honey. I will be for as long as I'm alive. Just promise me you will keep trying ok.

I promise mom. I will.  I mean I am.  Ill try harder, I have to. I have to beat this for Mark.

Here honey. You put the stuff away from this bag here.

Joanna started taking the contents of the grocery bag out and placing them on the table.  Falling back into a depressed semi-trance she scarcely noticed what she was picking up and putting down.  When she reached the bottom of the bag the reason her mother had picked this one for her to empty became quite clear.

Another bottle of windex mother?   Really? How many times are you going to do this?  You know you're just wasting your money.

One of these days you're going to have to use it Joanna. You will have to clean the handprints and start back on being alive.  Please.........please  try to use the windex this time.

Feeling nauseous at just the thought of it Joanna told her mother she would try to use the windex later that day.

I'll try after Mark falls asleep because I dont want him to see me like that.  Just holding the windex makes me start to cry.

Ok Jo, please just try.

As soon as her mother had left the apartment and she was alone Joanna took the windex off of the counter, walked to the kitchen sink and slowly dumped it down the drain.  She then took the empty plastic bottle into the laundry room and sat it on the shelf above the washing machine.  The shelf had been installed to hold things like laundry detergent and fabric softener but all it had on it this day were a dozen empty windex bottles.  Joanna counted the empty bottles even though she already knew how many there would be.  Attempt number twelve, she thought to herself, failure again.  She walked over to the window where Justins  chair was still sitting and looked at the glass her little angel spent so much time looking through.  She put her fingers  to her lips and kissed them. Then she touched her fingers to her son's tiny handprint on the glass and thought.  It just isnt fair.