Handprints on the Glass

Part 8: Let Me Go

Joanna was fast asleep on the couch. She had been watching the late movie but fell asleep before the end of it.  Marky had spent the day in the city with his grandmother and when he arrived home had been so worn out that he had eaten dinner and then went straight to bed. Joanna was awoken by a sound coming from her bedroom. She got up off of the couch and went to investigate. When she reached the doorway of her room she saw Mark standing at the side of her bed seemingly trying to figure out where his mother was. He appeared to be still half asleep.

Marky?  Are you ok?

Momma?

Yes baby, I'm here. What happened?  Did you have a nightmare?  Here climb up in momma's bed and tell me about your nightmare.

Marky climbed up into Joanna's bed and she slid in next to him and pulled the covers over both of them.  Mark just lay in the bed with his eyes open. Seeming to stare at something no one else could see.

What's the matter honey? Was it a nightmare? Something must have scared you huh?

No momma, It wasn't a nightmare.

Then what baby?

I had a dream of Justin momma.  But, I don't think it was really a dream. I was wide awake the whole time it felt like.

Well honey, dreams sometimes do feel real.  Sometimes it's hard to tell your dreams from your memories.

I know momma but this was different. I spent probably four hours with Justin but when I got out of bed it had only been an hour that I was asleep. I think Justin came back to play with me one last time. And to tell me something.

What did he want to tell you honey?

I can't remember momma.

It's ok baby. Why don't you tell me about your dream and maybe you will remember what it was.

Ok momma.  Well. I heard a noise in my room so I sat up and turned on the light. When I turned it on,Justin was standing beside my bed....................................................

Justin? How are you here? I don't understand.

Do you wanna go outside and play Marky? We never got to play together before I left.  Momma let me outside to play but you weren't home. I had a lot of fun but I wish I could have played with you that day.

But Justin, it's nighttime, how can we play now?

I'll show you Marky.

Justin reached out his hand and his brother took it.  Suddenly the boys were in the middle of a huge playground. Mark looked around in wonderment.  There was a soccer field, monkey bars, various sliding boards and swings as far as the eye could see. Justin ran over to one of the swingsets and jumped into a swing.

Will you please push me Marky?

Mark ran to his brother and started pushing him on the swing while Justin yelled for Mark to push him higher. Mark saw the big beautiful smile he had missed on the day his brother had died. He couldn't help but smile himself. Once Justin had his swing going fairly well Mark jumped on the swing next to him and the boys kicked their legs furiously trying to outdo each other.  When they tired of swinging Justin kicked a soccerball that Mark hadn't even noticed was sitting by the edge of the soccer field. The boys spent many minutes kicking the ball back and forth and trying to score on each other.  They ran from one side of the field to the other several times but neither of the boys got the least bit winded. When they stopped for a second Mark looked around at the playground they were in.

Justin? Where are we? This park doesn't look familiar. Is it near our house?

No Marky, this park isn't anywhere. It's ok though. We can play here.

After soccer Mark and Justin ran to the sliding boards and raced down the side by side slides just like they used to do when Justin was alive.  They laughed and ran and played without a care in the world. Just the way little boys should.  Not sitting in a chair by the window watching everyone else have fun but out in the sunlight.  Running and tripping and falling and getting back up just to run some more. For the first time since Justin had passed Marky felt truly happy.  He realized how much he loved his little brother.  His little brother who was dead.......

Justin? I still don't understand how you are here. How can we play together when you died? Justin? Are you an angel?

No Marky.

Then what are you?

Well, for now, I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what Justin?

Waiting for momma to let me go.  She has to let me go Marky.  I can't go to heaven because momma won't let me go.  You have to help her Marky. You're all she's got now. I know she is really sad but I need you to tell her to let me go.  Will you do that for me Marky?  Then I can go to heaven.

Yes Justin, I will tell momma for you. Then you will be an angel Justin?

Yes Marky, and I will watch over you and momma for the rest of your lives, I promise.  I have to go now Marky but I will come see you again ok?

Ok Justin. Justin? I love you Justin.

Mark reached a fist up and wiped tears from his eyes.  He wasn't sure if he was crying because he was sad about Justin not going to heaven or sad that his last time ever playing with his little brother was coming to an end.  Whatever it was he knew he could feel heartache. Even though he was a child he knew the feeling of heartache. He felt it when his brother died and he felt it every time he had seen his mother suffering since.

I love you too Marky. I'm glad we got to play together again. It was fun. Please tell momma that I love her and tell her to please let me go to heaven. OK Marky?

Ok Justin.

The boys stood together and embraced. Mark could feel Justin's heartbeat he squeezed him so hard. He hadn't been able to hug his brother in two years and he didn't want the hug to end.  Mark opened his eyes and realized he was back in his bed with his arms crossed hugging himself.  He sat up and looked quickly around his room for Justin but he was once again alone. Goodbye Justin, he said to the empty room..........................................................................

That's when I went into your room looking for you momma.  That's what Justin came to tell me momma, he told me that you have to let him go.  Will you momma? Please momma. I want Justin to go to heaven. Please will you let him go momma?

Joanna wrapped Mark in her arms and hugged him while they both cried.  They lay like that unable to speak for the next few minutes.  Then Joanna moved Marky away from her enough that she could look into his eyes.

I am so sorry Marky.  You are such a strong boy. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful son.  I'm sorry for what youv'e had to go through.  I'm your mother but for the last two years you have taken care of me more than I have taken care of you.  You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to have a mother who doesn't take you to the park or out to eat or even go to your concert.  Marky, I promise I will go to see your solo. I promise ok?

Really momma? I would be so happy! But momma? Are you gonna let Justin go to heaven?

Joanna hugged Mark close to her again and tried to hold back the tears she could feel coming on in another wave.

I will Marky baby, It's not going to be easy. I'm going to need your help.  Maybe someday soon you will help me clean the handprints off of the window? I don't think I can do it alone.

Yes momma, I will help you. I really want Justin to go to heaven so he can be an angel.

Me too honey, me too.

Joanna turned off the light and she and Mark fell asleep in each others arms.  Just as Joanna was drifting off to sleep she thought she heard Justin's voice saying  I love you momma.