Chriselle
For the past couple of days, me and Nick haven't really been on our us shit. We have constantly argued, fussed, and stayed mad at each other. We weren't the same.
Today, he was watching Jahsir, so I've decided that I'm gonna take my behind out the house and do something worth my time. Even if it's just driving around. Even if it's just nothing, I wanted to get out. For me.
I got into the car and I started to think out loud.
He constantly makes me feel like I'm not worthy to be with him. It's like what does he see in other girls, that he doesn't see in me. I'm his child's mother. I'm his childhood friend. I'm his girlfriend. I'm his #1 supporter. I'm everything to him, and all I ask for him is to do the same for me.
It's just so stressful with having to be a mother, a girlfriend who's constantly being cheated on, trying to get stuff right for me.. for us. I lost my sister, I lost my first love, I lost my first child, I was kidnapped, raped, and falsely accused of something I didn't even know what was gonna happen, I was shot, I was going through so much things, and I didn't really have anyone, everyone was gone. They didn't have enough time to think about me.
I began to cry.
It was like, I have so many people here to support me and help me with everything, but I don't really have them like I would imagine it to be. I felt alone. I feel alone still.
I cried more.
I just don't understand why this would happen to me over and over again. It was like.. The more I try, the more I get myself into trouble, the more I become disappointed in myself, the more I get pushed to the curb, pushed away.
I don't know why this keeps happening to me. It hurts to even think about it all, I have no one to talk to. I'm so alone.
I stopped thinking out loud and I pulled out the driveway. I wiped away my tears.
I drove to where his mother lived. I asked him last night. I haven't really talked to her since forever, so I'm nervous, but I wanted to talk to her. I felt like she was the one I needed to talk to this whole time.
I parked in his mother's driveway and I sat there contemplating about if I should or not, but my gut told me I should just get it over with, so I am.
I got out of the car, locked it, and went to her door.
knock knock knock
I knocked on her door and I waited until I got an answer.
"Uh hello. Who are you?" This man answered.
"I am.. her... daughter-in-law... yeah.. That." I said. I became figgity.
"Hold on right quick." He shut the door.
I got agitated.
"Oh come in. My apologies, you're Nicks girlfriend. That's all you had to say. Man, I haven't seen him in months." He said, I walked in.
"Thank you." I said, "Where is his mother?"
"In the guest living room, you can go, I was heading out anyway." He said and left.
I walked to the room.
"Uhh.. hello." I became nervous.
"Oh my goodnessss! How you doing? You alright? I haven't seen you in so lonnng." She gave me a big hug.
I sighed, "Not so good and that's why I am here."
"Talk to me." She said.
"Well, you're only the mother I have. My mom and dad left me. Left me and my sister. Ya know a long time ago, so my grandpa took us in, he died. So it was just me and my
sister, but that's besides the point. Nick and I aren't happy at this moment. I keep asking myself why." I said.
"You guys aren't happy? What's the matter?" She asked.
"Well, he has constantly cheated on me. You know when he was out doing stuff for himself and his career. I don't feel like he loves me honestly. He makes me feel like I'm not better, so that's why he feels like he should or could go out and be so.. I don't know. Act like he doesn't have a baby mom and a son at home." I wiped away my tears.
"Oh my, why didn't you come earlier? You're one of the most beautiful, most strongest, and most ambitious ones created. You are what he wants. He's just scared to love. He's just scared to be who you want him to be. He's just scared." She said.
"Why is he scared? How is he scared?" I asked.
"You know, his father.. He doesn't really talk to him. No communication at all. Nick was always taught to do what's best for him, what he needs, how he gets where he wants to be. Thats what I believe. When people grow, they change.
He doesn't know how to be a man yet. You're still with him, so that already speaks volume. He's trying. You want him to be the man you want to be." She said, "Honey, I know how you feel. A lot."
I sighed lightly, "He just makes me feel unworthy of his time, his emotions and all of this that and the other." I said.
"And that's why you have to talk to him. Communication. Understanding. You have to be committed to do that with him. He doesn't listen. You know that nasty little hoe, excuse my language, LuLu? Yeah. They didn't last. You guys are still going strong after what has happened in the past. Believe in yourselves. You gotta believe in yourself first." She also said.
"How will he understand? We constantly nag at each others necks all the time. I'm not going out here cheating on him, finding niggas to fulfill my needs." I said.
"And thats his problem. He's treating you so bad. I most definitely didn't teach him this. I have to actually go, so here.. I'll give you my number and you can call me, text me. I will be sure I'll answer your calls and texts. Even emails." She wrote her information down.
"Thank you." I said.
"No problem, don't forget." She said.
"Forget what?" I asked.
"To love yourself before you love anyone else." She said, grabbing her belongings, "Believe that."
