Cheater | 박지민

十三

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are."

"Why did you do it? What happened to our promise?"

"I'm sorry, it's just- I"

"Stop giving excuses. You cheated and that's it. I don't care-"

The drama has me engrossed that I didn't even notice it was raining car and dogs outside. Crying till their make up seems to slowly come off, the girl crumples onto the floor while the boy just looks at her with sympathetic yet disgusted eyes. I relate to the girl that I can even picture myself in that scenario.

Days passed by and I finally got out from the quiet yet not peaceful room. I am finally back home. Home. Sounds foreign to me. Thinking more about it, I'm not actually at home.

There is no home to me now. The house I'm staying in is just a shelter to keep me safe from storms or the blazing hot sun. It's just a place where I can only hide. Something about hideouts is that it's only temporary and it still gives you fear of you getting caught hiding.

But a home is where you feel safe and you would stay in it for the longest time as possible. It's a place where whenever you step into it you feel happiness and the urge of always going back to it.

I had one. It was being in Jimin's arms. Not anymore. To be honest, I missed it a lot. I cry alone in my room whenever I feel cold by the surrounding or when my heart simple runs cold.

My heart seems to stop a beat which doesn't allow my body to generate warm for myself. My fingers curling up against my messy hair and the thin layer blanket barely trapping heat for me. I would look like a cacoon yet a butterfly that doesn't know if I could get out of this place and be able to fly freely in the evil world.

I cry and cry till I grow so tired and fall asleep with tear stains on my pillow. I hug myself tightly. Tight. Tighter. I need warm. Jimin is hugging you. You are loved. You are perfect that's why he loves you.

Actually

He doesn't. You're not good enough. That's why he cheated. You aren't sexy enough. You're a useless pig-

I can't control the thoughts from creating wars in my mind. It denies yet it agrees. Sometimes I just let it run free. Let it go. Sometimes, I let it comfort myself with truths. There's no more point to continue lying to yourself. You get tired and you'll soon give up.

So, I'll bite my lips to only keep my tears in. I don't want Jimin to find out I'm actually tearing myself apart with those loud sobs. It makes me either weak for him to worry of or annoying to disturb his sleep.

What hurts more is now that after coming back from hospital, you started to act cold while wearing those hoodies or sweaters as if you're covering yourself up with a layer that doesn't want me to be in your life anymore. I feel the distant feeling.

The way you yank your hand away whenever I approach you. The way your eyes just flickers when I make an eye contact with you. The way you shut me up with a simple word 'yes' or 'no', nods or shakes, sometimes even with no reply. The way you don't smile and gives me the cold look once I wake up everyday.

The way you give me the feelings signalling me to step away from the line that is drawn between us.

It hurts.