So What

17

It was. On no not them. I shut the door in his face. Walking away I heard him open the door
I said "I can't do it now"
"I'm not going to leave until you feel OK about me" he said. Ughhh why is he so annoying and caring.
It makes me look like a bad person. He's so kind and all great things and then there's just me like being the sad and depressed kid. That actually is just my mask well some of it. I'm mostly ok I think.

He followed me inside. The scraping of the bar stool against the wooden floor an indication that he's just going to make himself at home. Wow. I went back to my spot on the floor in front of the TV.  The song changed to Better Now by Post Malone. I was moving to the beat not caring if I looked like a retarded worm. That song had been with me through the worst. It brought back memories but I had learnt to tune it out. I reached up onto the coffee table awkwardly might I add getting my phone. I quickly went into insta and added to my story a pic of jakob and wrote when it is in ur house!! Makes its self at home

I posted it and started laughing cos he looked like a total retard. I took a screenshot and sent it to lakkin who I had started to hang out with again. She made me happy and when she was sad it made me sad. So we were like perfect for each other.

"oi jakob. You want anything?" I asked

"uhh yes I want you to stop ignoring me so we can have a proper conversation."

"I meant like food water" I said smirking at his stupidity. I burst out laughing. I couldn't even. It was so funny. Him just being here. All so much. I laughed so hard. *the way she laughed was the way she laughed at chioe when she said hi to her monte carlo and that was the day the addiction the monte Carlos began* 

"are you OK?" the look on his face was priceless. Only making me laugh more. He looked at me like I was forking crazy and a little worry in his eyes, like maybe he thought he broke me or something..

I stopped laughing abruptly. My stupid brain. It took me back to how I was feeling just before I tried to take my own life.

I stood up. I walked over to the counter where my keys were sitting. The clinking of my keys slightly reassuring. I walked out of the house to my car.

The soft purr of my car as the engine started up. I backed out of the driveway. I had to get out of there. I just left him in my house. I didn't grab anything but my keys. I was getting close to my favorite place. I wanted to cry but I physically couldn't. I had been through a lot. I had cried so much. Maybe just maybe my life would become better. I turned the engine off. Jumping out of the car. I sat my keys on the wheel just under the wheel arch.

The fresh sea breeze hit my nose giving me ease finally. I wandered down the path to the beach. It was small. And no one ever came to it. So most of the time it was just me. I hadn't and wouldn't tell anyone one about this place. It was mine.

I sat down on the beach. Observing the golden sand between my toes, the tiny grains sticking to the sides of my feet. I shivered against the cool breeze. I felt calm. Something about this beach just makes me calm. The waves slowly licking the sand higher and higher. They started to tickle the tips of my toes. I moved my feet up. Touching my neck feeling for my necklace. I found the pendant. I cluched it feeling sad again. This necklace had been through everything with me. Its little Ruby duller now. I took it off. Closing my hand around it. Feeling greatfulness spread through my body. Everyone had left. At least I had this. It made me happy sometimes, sometimes it made me cry. Jakob. I just couldn't deal with him now. I was a good place but he came back. It messed everything up. Maybe this is the universes plan. I hope it doesn't put me through anymore shit.

I probably should go. It was starting to get dark. The sun was just setting. I put my necklace back on. I got up walking back to my car. Silently thanking the beach. I grabbed the keys off the wheel. Opening the door I wonder if jakob is still at my house.

I walked in. Jakob on the couch watching a movie and eating popcorn.  I sat on the couch next to him, pulling the blanket that was on the back off. He picked up the bowl and I lay the blanket over us. He sat the bowl back on his lap. I lay my head on his sholder. He put his arm around my back. The silence was soothing. I felt safe in his arms.

"I missed you" I broke the silence

He looked down at me "I missed you too"

I didn't say anything to that. I just went back to watching the movie.

Why was I doing this. This is not how my life was supposed to go. I was supposed to have a good upbringing. Do good in school and find the love of my life and have children. Maybe he was the love of my life. No no no I can't be stupid. If he was the love of my life would he be part of the reason I tried to kill myself. It doesn't make sense. I hurt him. He hurt me. So I guess the score is even. Maybe that's why he's back

1010 words!!
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