afaaf

~page twenty three~

normal entry

page 23

a year has passed but the mourning for my unborn daughter has still not passed fully. yes, it had been a girl as the doctor later informed us. just the way my mother had told me in my dreams.

sometimes when i think the few months i spend with her inside me, i get sad. she didn't deserve the path of darkness she got from me. she deserved to be born into a content family, who would have raised her with happiness. she deserved to go to school, be given a chance to pursue education unlike her birth mother. i imagine her to have full round cheeks, big doughy eyes and a toothless smile as she grinned while a line of drool ran down her chin.

however, i never saw her. i never touched her tiny hands. i never heard her cries. i never kissed her cheeks. i never got to coo her to sleep.

the funny thing is though, while i was pregnant, i never once thought about these types of things. like buying her clothes, decorating her room, choosing a name.

error after error, it comes to conclusion that i was the reason my child never got to see the light of day.

i had to take vitamins; i put my mind and my body through too much physical and mental stress; i ate things that were harmful; i had to go to the doctor regularly every week for a check up which i hadn't gone to even once.

and all that time i begged for Allah for a second chance, now i understand that i wasn't asking Him to make time go back so i didn't ever get pregnant. i needed something different.

and He gave me just that. He knew exactly what was best for me.

that's why now - a year later - i find myself back in Pakistan, married to Mustafa Khan, expecting his first child.

the child i carried for eight months will always be a part of me, past present or future. no doubt. but she came to early for her time. she is up in the heavens, safe and sound.

she gave her mother a chance to correct herself. and now she will do just that.

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