Serendipity and Sorrow

Untitled

At school I smile and put on a huge act

I talk to my friends and become outgoing

I joke around about silly little things

But a few of those "jokes" I wish they could see through

Jokes about my personality

About who I am

I'll say I'm antisocial with a goofy smile

And that I'm shy with a huge laugh

But if they really knew how much those words applied to me,

I don't think they would have found the joke funny

At stores I will walk away if anyone come into an aisle

Because I don't like being around people

I get scared of many things and thoughts rush in my head

I walk with my head down so I can't see anyone

So I won't see them laughing and wondering if its about me

I may seem confident when I talk in front of the class

But my face is flushed and my voice shakes

I prefer staying at home cause that's where I most feel safe

But even at my own house I feel the way I do

I feel as if my brother judges me,

And My mother is disappointed in me

I don't really know when this all began but I have a hunch

It's my fears controlling my life

My fear of rejection

My fear of isolation

And most importantly, my fear of deception

They all work against me to make me how I am

And I'm not going to fight back really

Cause what's the point?

So I'll remain antisocial

I'll remain shy

I'll remain as everything I don't want to be

And continue my play where I am the lead role

And to my mind, everyone is the bad guy