It was a small gesture at first.
Communication was easy and didn't feel like I was a stranger, felt for the first time like I belonged somewhere.
But the gestures seemed to go a little more past the friendly stage. I had caught them in the beginning not sure if she was doing what my silly overthinking minded wanted to believe. So I asked around, the collective was the same as mine. This person who seemed to have fallen into my life and the right moment was indeed flirting with me beyond the friendly stage.
I wanted to know more, I wanted to converse with them until the end of time. There was nowhere else I wanted to be then talking to them. Even if it was through some app then talking in person. This way was easier for the both of us it seemed. And that was fine for me.
She started to scare me, scare me in the way that I was unsure if they were joking or not. I mean who messages someone every day and ask "do you hate me?" just because you had not been able to talk at that very moment. I had to tell someone their name, I had to see if someone was able to lend more information then what Facebook had given me.
I stepped back after a few searches, a profile photo cuddled up with someone totally gives the impression you are happily taken. But I couldn't help but wonder if they were taken, then why flirt with me?
They weren't happy in a relationship, not they were happily married with two kids. I had become the other guy, the one that was on the side burner. Hell, I was the side chick. The anxiety started to build within me, and the distance had started. I needed to get myself out of this situation before it would become she said he said battle. I knew I wasn't ready for one of those and it surely wouldn't pay off in my favor.
She began to notice the distance, in which the messages had begun coming in more frequently. I was weak when it came to her, I could never ignore her long enough. I jumped at each message responding in a mass amount of time wanting it to be clear that they had my full attention each time they needed it.
It wasn't healthy.
The night she called me drunk almost slipping the L-Word to me, I knew that they wanted to use me as an excuse and excuse to leave the person the had loved long before I had shown up. Loved through the birth of their children. I laughed off everything they said, all the promises of wanting to be with me and how they were going to do whatever it takes for there to be an US.
I was scared, scared that this was never going to end. That I was going to be the thing that ruined a marriage. Even if I didn't want to be it was going to happen. I couldn't let that happen. It was eating me alive, just the idea, just imagine if it truly happened. Would I be able to live with myself?
I told her. I told her I couldn't do it. I couldn't be that person. She quickly stated that "I didn't understand." But in reality, I didn't want to.
"I'm sorry."
When I spoke those words to her, I don't know if I wanted her to believe them or if I wanted myself. Hell, I don't even know who I was apologizing to.
