a healthy dose of an unhealthy mind

prologue

i never thought that any of this would end up online. this had always sort of been for myself, so that i could figure out what the hell was going on inside my head. but i suppose sometimes that isn't good enough, keeping it all to yourself. it almost continues to be unhealthy in a way. it continues to be kept to itself, never seeing the light of day; it's almost like it never left your head in the first place.

if you know me, i hope that you never read this. not only because you might have been the one hurting me all along, but because you've never been allowed to see the pain and i would never want to hurt you like that. if you don't know me, there's a lot about me that you don't know, that you could never imagine, that i hope you'll never know (i say as i post my mind for the world to read). my mother damaged me, my community damaged me, and i suppose that i did, in fact, damage myself as well somewhere along the way. most of this is the aftermath of myself. i might have been the only one all along, i'm not really sure anymore.

if you read these poems, there's no going back, in a way. there's no pretending that you never read them and there's no pretending that everything's ok. or maybe i'll be the only one haunted by this. that's ok too, i suppose.

this is everything no one's ever known. this is an extension of myself on paper. this is everything in my head that i've never said out loud. this is every tear i've shed and every sleepless night i've had. this is every injustice i've suffered and every one i've seen. this is every good day i've had too, no matter how far and few between. this is rooted deep and this is angry and this is injured.

just like me.