LIONS, TIGERS, AND DRAWS, OH MY! #6

Vent

My mom makes me so unhappy and I don't even know what to do about it

I commented on her always being on her phone when she's home after complaining that I am.
She's either facebooking or texting her side fuck or whatever.
I tell her things and she just ignores me because she's on her phone.
And then doesn't even say like
"Huh?" No it's literally nothing like I didn't say fucking shit
And I don't know if it's her or just me but I always feel like shit
Like right now I'm just anxious

I was just trying to tell her how I feel by texting her
Even sent her a fucking video that relates to me quite a bit
This girl has dermatillomania
https://youtu.be/bg0MUGQ2daU
And I have a lot of things she talks about
But my mom just sort of dismisses me like "no you don't have this. I talked to your doctor and therapist." Well fuck? I don't care? This girl had been to like 3 fucking doctors and they all just said "stop picking :)" and that's all mine fucking do. And it's not that fUCking simple? If it was a fucking choice would I choose to destroy my fucking skin?
She just doesn't get it. And it's so hard to talk to her because all it is is anxiety and knowing she won't get any of the shit I try to tell her.

I'm just so fucking done.
I like to be on my phone all the time because it's not like I can talk to fucking anyone else?
Wattpad is really the only place I feel happy.
Yeah, I like my friends, I love them I do, but I just can't talk to them. The one time I open up
She fucking tells someone who is friends with the person I like that I have a 'crush' on them.
She's done that FUCKING TWICE.
And the second time.
I told her.
I just can't tell you shit anymore. I just can't trust you with that anymore. I'm not mad but(y'know still kinda am but like) I just can't tell you anything like that anymore.

Sorry for the vent I just
I can't fucking do it anymore
Even my fucking therapist I can't fucking open up to because I just feel like a big baby crying for attention.
What if I have a serious problem?
Who knows I'm just a big fucking baby. All I think is like I can't complain. I'm not abused. I can't be unhappy, I'm an only child and get anything I want. But even then I'm so fucking unhappy.

Because here I am just fucking crying on the couch as I type this, watching Jaws on Amazon Prime.

And I don't even know what to do with my life.
Like fuck? I'm having anxiety about going into gas stations for gas and I don't even drive yet.
What do about college? A fucking job?
I'm so indecisive.

It's just.
I don't even know.
A lot of the time I used to think...
"I'd be so cool if something was wrong with me" like adhd or anxiety or depression or something. Can you believe that? Isn't that just fucking awful?
I don't even know what to think about that.

Honestly I'm just so fucking unhappy and all I do is overthink.
I have a mother who pretty much forces me to have the life she never had that pretty much only drinks.
A British Grandma that makes me insane and feel bad.
A grandpa that makes me so uncomfortable.
A dad that I just feel like I can't get close to who also drinks constantly.
Cousins I used to be close to, but knowing myself, I will never have that relationship with them again.
A cousin who I barely knew and vaguely remember hugging who overdosed on heroine.

I swear to god all I do is complain on here, I feel like. I'm a big narcissistic asshole who only cares about myself.
But I just.
I don't feel like I have anyone, especially not right now at this time.
I'm even going to have a hard time posting this so. Yeah.

Alright. That's all. I'll wait another 3 years until I just can't fucking take it anymore and probably fucking end it.
Though I know I'm too much of a wimp to ever end it.
I just feel like I'm so aware.
If I ever did I'm so aware of how it'll affect my family that I knOW I'll never do it.

Okay. That's all. Enjoy your day everyone.