Felicitations | ✔

Help me?

Dear you,

These days I haven't been able to sleep. Actually, its been a while since I've been having troubles with sleep. Sleep and I have a really complicated relationship, you see. Whenever I don't want to think at nights, I beg sleep to come to me and drown everything out of my mind and yet, it doesn't come to my rescue. And when, at other times, sleep comes and tries to take away the only alone time I have for myself, I try to stay awake really hard and do things I love.

It's just complicated like that.

Not even one relationship I have with anyone in my life is easy. Everyone seems to be judgy and unhelpful. There's not even one person to whom I can talk to. Either about the smallest things or the most important ones.

My parents are in their own little bubble. They keep fighting. It's really amusing that they still are together after all these torchurous years. They fight over everything! Over me. Over themselves. Over their so called 'friends'. Over money.

Money.

It's like they were born to love money. The only thing they both have in common is that, love for money. I don't get their obsession with money. You can't take it with you when you die so why are they so persistent in earning more and more.

Money means so much to them. It's like their first baby. They just love it more than anything. The only thing I've learnt at my house is - Make money. Lots and lots of it and don't give a damn about anyone else.

That's it. I haven't learnt anything else from them.

I'm a single child. And the thought that I don't have any sibling scares me, honestly. There'll be no one for me when I fail in life. I'm damn sure about only one thing in my life and that is that my parents are gonna kick me out of their house the moment I fail in life. So, I just wish I had a sibling who would understand me, who'd care for me, who'd love me,  who would be better than me. Much much better than me so that the idea of them failing would be absurd.

I'm scared of disappointing my parents. I'm scared of disappointing anyone around me.

Everything seems so forced on me. I can't study better than this, but I have to. I can't be a great daughter, but I have to. I can't control my feelings, but I have to. I am losing my mind, but I have to stay calm. I don't want to live anymore but I have to.

Its like I don't have any choice.

I don't get to make my own choices they are made for me. And i should always be okay with that and keep my mouth shut and do as they say.

Whenever I say something against their judgement, they say I have become a spoiled brat. Whenever I try to make amends and something silly slips through my lips, their fucking 'feelings' get hurt. And my mother, my oh so lovely mother! She doesn't give a shit about anyone else but herself and her money. The moment I say something against her, tears spring to her eyes and she tries to guilt trip me into everything!

I know you're probably thinking 'this girl is crazy and she doesn't even care that she hurts her parents' but trust me those tears are as real as unicorns!

She keeps saying "How dare you say that when i have done so much for you! You really hurt my feelings today." As if I don't have those fucking feelings she keeps talking about and as if i don't get hurt ever.

God! How i would love to run away from here.

So as I was saying, I can't sleep these days. I find myself thinking about the simple and easy ways to end my life. And I find ways to hurt myself.

Sometimes, i put my hand above a candle flame whenever i see one burning nearby (i haven't done that for a while), sometimes I find myself writing something in my hand with a needle. And before i fall, i don't even try to balance myself to save myself from falling and getting a wound or fracturing one of my bones. It's like i have stopped caring about myself. Its like my 'self destruction' button has been pushed.

I look at the mirror and keep staring at my face. I zone out a lot and many other weird things have been happening. Can you please help me get out of this state? Help me please.

I don't want to be depressed. And i don't want to have any panic attacks.

I don't want to be that 'crazy girl who cant handle her emotions'.

These days have been hell. My junior year has started and my first exam is approaching. Quickly. Too quickly.

I can't concentrate on my studies. I find my thoughts drifting towards my issues all the time.

My marks have started to suck and I'm scared.

I'm scared of what life holds for me.

I'm scared of the future.

One night, I just broke down. (Its happening a lot lately) I was pulling my hair so hard that some of it came out of my scalp. I was shaking and trying to muffle my cries because I didn't want them to hear me. My chest was so heavy and I couldn't breathe properly. I curled up into a small ball and was scratching every visible part of my body marking myself with my nails.

I hated myself.

And i hate myself for being so pathetic.

That was the first time something like it happened to me. I was crying heavily continuously for almost 50 minutes.

That was the first time I witnessed myself become so weak and vulnerable. But I liked the feeling i felt. It was like there was nothing in the world but me and the pain.

After it stopped and the tears halted I was scared that it will happen again. But the next morning i thought of it and came to a conclusion that it felt good. I don't know why but it felt good.

The pain in my cheat was unbearable. I couldn't breathe or scream or say anything. I just sobbed into my pillow and hid my face in it to muffle my cries.

After that night, it has happened seven more times.

And each time I feel myself giving up more. Letting the tears flow. I don't struggle, i just let myself go.

A few days ago i felt happy. Because it hadn't happened for almost two weeks then. But just last night, it happened again.

My life sucks.

I don't think I can make it.

Help me please.

I can't tell my parents. I just cant.

I. Cannot. Tell. Them.

You are the only ones i can ask for help because you don't know who i am. I'm just another stranger in this big awful world. But you've read my writings and there is no one else i can rely on.

(I really hope my friends don't read this. I'll be in deep shit if they know what has been happening with me.)

So you tell me, what do i do? Give me some tips on what to do.

It's really difficult for me to write all this here. It's even more difficult for me to publish it as a chapter but i need you. I have no one and you are my last hope.

Help me out of this.

I'm scared of who i have changed into. I'm scared i will do something and regret it afterwards.

I'm so so scared.

Just help your unknown friend.