A/N Guys I'm really so so so sorry for leaving you hanging like that. I was having a really bad week. Like horrible and then I went away on vacation and had a hard time......... But now I'm back!! Yayyy!!!!! I literally just got home and I knew that I had to write for you all or you would all leave me. So here it is! I'm really truly sorry for how long it took. -Love, Maddie<3 xx
Jozy had forced me and Amanda to sit down at my make-up table while her and the rest of the girls ran around my room plugging in the curling iron and straightener. They picked through all of my make-up and went through my closet about three times when they finally decided to start on us.
I felt really self conscious about getting ready at the same time as Amanda. She was so tan and gorgeous. She had beautiful dark hair and sparkling eyes and when I sat next to her every flaw I noticed on myself seemed to become worse.
As Jozy curled my hair I started feeling that anxiousness deep in my stomach that I knew wasn't going to go away I quickly excused myself and ran to my parents bathroom.
Once I got there I slammed the door shut and locked it as quickly as I could. I began fumbling through all the drawers. I couldn't remember where my mother kept them. I hadn't been in here in so long. I finally found them. I quickly opened the package and took one razor out. I looked at myself in the mirror. The girl I was looking at was a mess. She had messed up her hair and the mascara she had on was smeared down her face and her cheeks were so red. She was so ugly and fat. Then I remembered that I was looking at myself. I realized I was the one in the mirror. I hated myself. I hated absolutely everything about myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how uncomfortable I was being in my body. I hated how I felt. I hated how even at the times when I should feel so happy I still felt so depressed. I even hated how I couldn't control myself as I dug the razor blade deep into my wrist and dragged it across.
I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I was trying to stop myself but I couldn't. I literally felt like I was out of body watching this happen to me from somewhere else. I knew there was no way to stop myself so I stopped fighting until I felt like I was back in my body again. Once I was calm I looked down to see how bad it was and I felt like I was going to pass out. I was always shocked at the amount of blood but I usually stayed calm about it.
I pulled the huge band-aids out of the cabinet and put one over the cut. I hadn't even thought about what I would say if someone asked what had happened. I sat on the edge of the bathtub with my head in my hands just thinking.
I jumped when I heard a knock on the door. I walked over and opened it. I saw Niall standing there with a worried look on his face.
"The girls have been looking all over for you Lina. They got worried and got me to find you. They said you just got up and ran off." As he finished his eyes lingered on the counter top where the razor was still sitting.
He came in and shut the door, then he pulled my wrist up to look at it. He just pulled me into a hug and let me cry. All he did was rub circles in my back until I had calmed down. One thing that Niall did that I always appreciate is that he never made me talk until I was ready. He always waited so patiently.
This time though I wasn't sure how to start. I couldn't even explain why I was so upset without feeling like an idiot.
I looked into his eyes as he sat waiting for me to tell him what was bothering me.
I just shook my head and went to hug him again.
"If you don't want to talk about it right now it's alright but we have to talk about it later because I want you get better from this. I know you are strong enough and I believe that you can do this. Later tonight we'll sit down and talk. okay?"
