1 MONTH LATER(:
Lina's P.O.V.
This month with Liam has literally been the best month ever for me in most ways. He makes me happy, and while I'm with him I'm able to forget evrything. But as soon as I'm alone everything comes back. I hear the voices in my head. I realize how truly worthless I am. And I hate myself even more for it. Even though I should be happy I'm not. I feel worse. So I cut. Deeper and deeper and more often. It's gotten to the point where I don't even try to stop the bleeding anymore. I just sit and watch it flow from my wrists or my thighs or my arms. I always feel guilty after I cut. Like I'm letting myself and everyone else down. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly hate living but I'm not quite sure if I want to die yet.
My mom phoned home the other night to make sure Jackson was doing alright but was disappointed that I was the one to pick up. I really don't know what I did to make them hate me so much. I was just trying to protect my mom from my dad and it turned into her hating me too. At least while they're both gone I won't have to worry about my dad hitting me. Having to explain the bruises is almost as bad as explaining the scars. I'm running out of stories for the scars though. I think it's easier to excuse the bruises then the scars because everyone bruises but not everyone has scars like this.
I don't know, I'm kind of babbling while I'm writing this but I'm just really tired of everything. I don't know what to say anymore. I hate being trapped in my own mind. I think I'm close to being done. The only people who are keeping me holding on are Liam, Niall and Amanda. I really think I might want to end it all... but just not yet.
-Lina
I got a text from Liam just as I finished writing in my journal, it read I'm waiting at your door whenever you're readdy baby<3 -Li xx. I grabbed my wallet as I ran out of my bedroom door, I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, almost tripping on the way I slid across to the door and turned the handle and yanked it open as fast as I could.
Liam pulled me into a hug straight away. It was tight but it didn't hurt. It was one of those hugs where you could tell that someone really cared about you and neither one of you wanted to be the first to pull away. I just nuzzled my head into his neck and we stood for awhile like that. Just holding each other in the doorway. We both pulled away at the same time to look into each other's eyes. His were such a gorgeous brown, I swear everytime I looked into them I got butterflies.
He was the first to speak. "Do you mind if we stay in tonight? I kind of need to talk to you about something important..."
"Yeah, whatever you want to do babe." But inside I felt everything just sink. He was going to break up with me. I had already screwed it up.
We walked over to the couch and we both sat down. I tugged at the sleeves of my sweater.
"I know." Liam said in a flat tone.
"You know what?" I said shakily.
"I know." he said again as he reached for my wrist and began running his thumb over a scar.
I immediately felt the tears stinging at the backs of my eyes.
"How?" I said almost at a whisper.
"Honey, I want you to know that I'm not leaving you for this. I will stay with you and try to help you and every-"
I cut him off. This timemy voice came a bit louder.
"How did you find out?" I asked with a bit of sharpness in my tone.
Liam looked like he was nervous now.
"I, I saw the scars and I noticed the new ones appearing and that night I grabbed your wrists and it hurt you and both of them were bloody through the bandages, and how you get nervous when someone asks you about a scar, and your bracelets and how you always wear long sleeves, and you always tug at them to pull them down further and-"
I cut him off again.
"No. Please stop. It's really not that big of a problem. I'm fine. I promise I'm fine. I really am. You don't even have to worry. I'm just really bad at shaving and I knick myself a lot. I don't cut. I am not depressed. I am fine. Just fine." I said as quickly as I could get it out.
"Lina, I know. It's okay I really care about you so much and I want to help yo-"
"I am fine."
"Lina, please just let me-"
"I am fine." I said again.
"Please just talk to me about it, Lina. I know it may be to early to say this but I love you, I really do and I promise that you'll be okay."
"No. Do NOT say that you love me because of this. I don't want to hear you say that because I cut and you don't want to feel like you could have done more if one night I cut a little to deep and I bleed out. I want to hear someone say that after I recover and I'm normal. But oh wait... That will probably never happen because I will never get rid of these voices in my head telling me how worthless and ugly and fat and annoying and stupid I am, I will always have a family who hates me and hurts me in every way that they can and I will ALWAYS hate myself. So no. I never want to hear anyone tell me they love me because I'll never believe it. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't even love myself, so how could someone else
love me. I will never be okay, I hate myself and I want to die."
I fell over into Liam's lap. He held me as I cried. And I swear I cried for what felt like hours. I sobbed until it hurt to breathe. I felt like I couldn't get enough air in anymore. I looked up at him afraid of how disgusted he'd be of me. But when I looked up what I saw I was not expecting. He was crying too. This set me off again. I couldn't believe that had let myslef do that to him.
I decided to look up again but this time I decided to say something this time.
"I'm sorry." was all I could manage to get out. I was so sorry. I was sorry that I had soaked his shirt with tears. I was sorry that I was careless and he had found out. I was sorry that he had seen me like that. I was sorry that I had made it so he couldn't leave during that. I was sorry that even just sitting here I wanted to cut.
"Please don't be sorry. When I said I love you, I meant it. I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you. I know that sounds cheesy but there is just something about you that makes me love you. It's everything about you and this does not change a thing. I promise to do whatever I can to help you get through this. You just havfe to promise one thing to me."
I nodded.
"You have to promise to be open about everything with me." He finished.
"I love you too." I said.
He just held me for the rest of the night and we both slept out on the couch.
