Closeted.

Chapter Four -- Not Exactly Straight.

         I kind of knew I was gay since the beginning of high school -when I got my first and my most likely last girlfriend, Lauren. I could tell that we were always on different levels of emotion towards each other. She loved me in the way you'd love your soul mate (I swear I'm not being cocky, she said so herself as she quoted Christina Perri in all seriousness 'Baby it's fate, like a soul mate.'). But I loved her in that way you love your sister, constantly trying to protect them and wanting them to have the very best of everything and being there for them when things get rough. Now that I'm actually thinking about my sexuality, I realize that it was only a matter of time before I gave in and admitted it to myself. And then to my friends. And then to my family. And then to the whole wide world. Jesus, its going to be a long time before I come out to anyone else.

        Why am I coming to terms with myself all of a sudden you ask? Well, you can thank the events that happened precisely four hours ago.

 10 HOURS AGO:

        "Hey, Dan, are you coming to that party tonight?" My friend, Cop, asked as we were dismissed from our last class of the day. We headed to our lockers, which were conveniently right next to each other and pulled out our backpacks.

        "Um, I dunno. Who's party?" I reply. For most of last year, I couldn't go to parties because my sister had just gotten out of a nasty marriage that had been rushed by an unplanned pregnancy named Lucas. She needed me to babysit while she went out to job interviews, which I thought was ridiculous because Lucas was in Middle School and could take care of himself, but my parents said that I needed experience for when I became a father or in other words, they forced me to, so, I had zip social life.

         "This guy named Ryan. You probably don't know him, though. He's not on any sport teams or that shit. He kind of acts a little insane some times.... But in a good way. Um, he's nice though, and his parties are rad."

         "Sure, I'll be there." I paused, "Um, where?" I added as an after thought.

        "Here." He said, scrambling through his folder and handing me a crumpled up brightly-colored piece of paper. It had an unfamiliar address on it.

        "Thanks." I spoke, not taking my eyes off of the paper.

FOUR HOURS AGO:

        I drove over at around nine to meet loud electronic beats that made the ground vibrate and a very crowded front yard full of grinding bodies, the party was over flowing onto the sidewalk. I could only imagine what the inside was like.

        Once I entered, I saw a marvelous site. French Fry was in the center of a space I think may have been a trashed living room, dancing his ass off. He was better than me, by far, but then again, that's not saying much. Once someone else gained the dancing spotlight, I walked over to him.

        "Hey, French Fry." I said, tapping him on the shoulder.

        "You know I have a name, right?" He asked, slightly smiling.

        "Yeah, I was just-" I start to defend.

        "I'm not complaining. I like nicknames. I especially like when hot boys give me nicknames. But I want you to call me by my real name, too." He speaks in a purposefully sexy tone.

        "Which is..." I was deeply embarrassed that didn't know his real name. It made me feel some-what stupid.

        "Ryan. And you're Daniel," Wasn't this some guy named Ryan's party? I thought, "Don't feel too bad. The only reason I know your name is because I was paying attention during sixth hour attendance today."