Rickian

Please help- chapter 12

Kian pov:

Trevor leaves reluctantly, telling me not to do anything stupid. Too late. I've done so many stupid things. And I was about to do one more stupid thing. I look over the balcony, crying. Is this what I really want? Ricky, the love of my life, hates me. He broke my heart. And now, I'm going to break. This is what I want. This is what was meant to happen. This is what I have to do to be happy.

I look towards my door, thinking about it one last time, biting my lip. I see the nob turn, and I panic. So I jump.

For a second, everything is perfect. Everything is great, and perfect, and I'm flying. I'm happy. That feeling is the only feeling I ever felt with Ricky. Happy. I'm going to be happy.

Then, reality hits me. I hear someone scream and I turn my head around, seeing Ricky. I hit the ground, hard, and I hit my head. Hard. I feel blood coming out of my head. Then, I lose consciousness. I'm going to be happy.

Ricky pov:

I open Kian's door, seeing him looking out on the balcony. He turns around quickly, and gasps. And then, he jumped off the balcony. I run over, still in shock, and I scream. He looks up at me, and tears roll down his face.

He falls to the ground, and hits his head, which starts to bleed. His eyes close.

"Fuck!" I scream. I run down the stairs, tripping as I do so. I'm the only one home right now besides Trevor. I make it downstairs and outside. Then, I see Kian. Blood is pouring out of his head, and he is paler than ever. I feel for a pulse and see that he still has one, but it's faint. And so I call 911.

"Hello? What is the cause of your emergency?"

"Hi um ok so my friend fell over his balcony and hit his head and is bleeding. His pulse is barely there.

"Okay, we'll send help right away."

"Oh, god, thank you!"

About 5 minutes later, the ambulance arrives. I'm sobbing by then. I need Kian alive. I need him in my life. I'm nothing without him. And I know you may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Kian has played a part in my life that is probably more important than anyone else's. He's always been there when I'm sad or when I have the flashbacks. I'm trying to forget them.

Only Kian and my mom know about my flashbacks. I have a really dangerous past, that I've been trying to forget. My mom isn't always around, and since Kian and I are closer than ever, she told me that if I have flashbacks to tell or call Kian so he can help. And every time I have them, he helps. He changed my life. And now I don't get to tell him how thankful I am.

We arrive at the hospital and the rest of the guys. They put Kian in a room and start working on him while I wait in the waiting room. As I'm waiting, my thoughts catch up with me.

Do I love Kian? Because, if I do, I have to live for him. But the flashbacks are coming back. And they're getting worse. Maybe whenever Kian wakes up, I'll tell him about it. These flashbacks are going to be the death of me. I need to face the facts. Eventually, these flashbacks are going to kill me. I can't get rid of them. They're getting so fucking bad, that eventually I'm going to try to kill myself, just like last time!

Even Kian doesn't know about that. No one does, but my family and the hospital. The hospital probably forgot about the boy who tried to die because he was insane.

All of the boys but arrive at the hospital and hug me. Jc pulls me into a hallway away from the others.

Jc: Ricky, what even happened?

Ricky: Well, I had a nightmare, and I basically broke up with Kian.

Jc: Wait, broke up with Kian?

Shit. Jc didn't know I was gay. Only Trevor and Connor.

Ricky: Yeah, I'm kind of gay.

Jc: That's ok, I knew for a while.

I smile and he tells me to continue.

Ricky: I found him in his room, looking over his balcony, and he saw me and jumped. He hit his head really hard and lost consciousness.

Jc: Did he try to... you know...

Ricky: I think.

Those two words break my heart. The thought that I hurt Kian, the love of my life, so fucking bad that he tried to die? That fucking hurts. I itch at the scars on my body. I want to cut again. So bad. Now, I have a flashback. I never had flashbacks when I was with Kian. But late at night, they come back. Now they're coming in the day too. I start having another panic attack, which soon turns into a mental breakdown. During these dumb flashbacks, I realize that I am getting bad again. Like when I was 14. That was my worst state.

Trevor notices me having an emotional breakdown, and pulls me into a hallway, away from the others.

Trevor: Ricky, what's wrong?

I only shake my head. Kian was supposed to help me. Not anyone else. Trevor keeps on bothering me. Doesn't he know he's not helping?

Ricky: Trevor, please.

I'm amazed at how pathetic I sound.

Ricky: Drive me home.

He only nods, and goes to tell the boys everything. I slide down the wall, and sob. I sob for me, I sob for Kian, who probably hates me, I sob because of my past, because of the flashbacks. I itch my wrists so bad that they bleed. And I only wish that I could just switch places with Kian.

Trevor comes and helps me off the ground. I cry into his shoulder. He says goodbye to the boys, after I calm down. I don't say anything. I probably look worse than I feel. I only stare straight ahead, towards the exit.

Trevor and I get into his car and start driving away.

Trevor: Ricky, can you please tell me what happened?

Ricky: Okay. Well, it all started when I was five. My dad and mom got married. But, eventually, my dad started coming home drunk. He beat my mom, and abused her. Then after he got tired of her, he turned to me. He beat me and made me feel like shit. My mom turned around and got a divorce when I was seventeen. Twelve fucking years she put up with that bastard. Maybe she thought he would come to his senses. I don't know. I cut myself all through middle school and high school, and then just stopped. I thought I was ok, but I'm not. I have these flashbacks of those horrible times, and they've never been worse. In fact, when I was nineteen, I tried to kill myself. I failed though. I still struggle with this. And Kian getting hurt because of me realized that I need to die.

Trevor is crying into his hands. He looked up in shock from the last part. I notice that he had to pull over because of his crying.

Trevor: Ricky, you cannot be thinking that. You just can't.

Ricky: Just drive.