The Ocean Wanted A Kiss

The Prologue

"But you have a girlfriend, we shouldn't do this." His poor fuck buddy utters between the kisses.

"Who?" He whispers breathless. Has he really forgotten about me? I mean fine people forget me, but that fast?

"Lilish or I don't know what her name was." She says placing her hand on his chest. You bitch, keep your hands to yourself. Has she just called me Lilish? Disgusting.

"Aah you mean that dirtbag? I dumped her. She's really good in bed but yet to see your skills." He licks her neck and it was soon when she gets his shirt off. I should warn him to have sex with curtains closed when I meet him the next time.

So now I'm that dirtbag who's good in bed. Why does he sound like I'm his sex slave when I did all I had to do to keep his eyes off every girl and just think of me as his everything? I gave him everything, literally everything, and what did he give me? Barely anything. I became a bad version of me to be good enough for him, but guess what? I wasn't good enough for him. I wore short slutty skirts to grab his attention, I showed a lot of my cleavage—which I didn't like—to keep his eyes on me. I put tons of makeup to look beautiful when I'm not. I starved myself to death when he said that I'm fatter than the bodies he likes. I became the worst version of me to make him love me, but it wasn't enough. I hid my scars and my mental illness because I didn't want him to think I'm too dull to be his girlfriend. I fought for him, but it isn't love if both sides don't fight for each other. It takes both sides to build a bridge.

But my bad, I clung to the last person I thought I can depend on. After my few friends argued with me because I'm too poor now to be their friends and my mother invited her boyfriend to live with us, the only one was left is Andrew Brooks—my now-ex-boyfriend. I tried to hold onto him in hopes he might care about me.

He came to my place earlier that day to tell me he can't be in a relationship with a smoker. Without a second thought, I decided to break my bad habit in fear of losing him. I ran to his house to tell him that I broke my bad habit and quit smoking. I climbed the ladders up to his room's window with a cupcake in my hand as a sorry gift. All I saw was him pressing his lips to another girl's.

I'm just sorry for smelling like cigarette smoke. I used to smoke cigarettes whenever I was alone and stressed. You told me that cigarettes will kill me so I quit. But now that I'm here alone again, lighting up another cigarette. I realized you were the one who's killing me.

My walk back home is lonely but I realized that home is the last place I need to be right now. My mother still doesn't know that I sleep so much because I hate being conscious. My sister still doesn't know that I hate who I am and I wish I could be more like her. But I know these things and they're slowly but surely killing me. I just hate that my mother favorites my sister and makes me feel worthless.

Mom and dad always fought but months ago, their fight was more intense than any other time. This fight placed a red line to their relationship , a red line to finish it, tear it up and bring us down. They got a divorce and my mom brought her boyfriend to live with us.

Let me tell you about my dad. He's a dream killer. As a child, I dreamt of having a big mansion in Italy one day. I even saved money for that mansion, I thought ten dollars are enough to buy it. I felt rich, I truly felt happy. Ten dollars were nothing compared to millions but I was still happy. Normal dads say, 'You should study hard and you will buy anything you want.' That's what normal dads react to their children having a dream. They give them hope in life, they let them have the great excitement to study hard. But I still remember what my dad said when I told him about my ten dollar mansion, 'Children like you don't do mansions, they do shit to fuck our lives.'

That realization that I hate my father so much that when I talk about him I become that person I wish I wasn't, I'd never wish on anyone what I wish on him. The bad part? He deserves it.

Mom and dad, everytime they called me ungrateful, selfish, a brat, stupid and all the things would tell me. I would come in my room and cry myself to sleep. I started to believe what they tell me, and now I hate myself.

I inhale slowly, my lungs responding to the smoke, and I felt my lungs being wrapped by a warm blanket. Taking small, slow draws of the cigarette.

With my tears streaming down my face, I can do nothing but sit cross-legged on the sandy shore and stare at the horizon in front of me. I can feel my chest tightening, my stomach swirling like someone has stabbed me with a knife in the back and started rolling it.

Tomrrow was my first day in my last year of high school. I don't know if I could make it through tonight or not. I can feel myself becoming everything I never wanted to be. I swear I'm trying my best but I just can't breathe anymore and every second I'm alive I feel like I'm drowning.

My body started shaking with tears rolling down my cheeks and a bad desire howling inside my chest. I just feel like I'm losing myself. I can feel my heart aching badly to disappear. I want to stop the pain in any way I can. I knew coming here was a bad choice but as soon as the water covered my head and my feet were no longer near the ground, it felt peaceful, nothing like the real world.